This was probably the hardest it’s been to adjust to America.

Going from 90 and 100 degree days to 30 is just shocking to your system. Its a chill I can’t describe, where even being in Arkansas I didn’t really feel my toes until sometime in April.

The first week when we arrived, everything felt dry from the lack of humidity. I could feel my face cracking, my throat ripping, and my skin began to peel. One day scratched my ear and a piece of skin nearly the size of my ear flaked off into my hand.

This was the first time America felt like another planet. I felt I was an alien here—this place I used to consider home, and now my body couldn’t even adjust.

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But this also might be the hardest its ever been to leave America.

Being in the middle of the adoption process has placed so many unknowns in front of us. As we complete the process and are placed—hopefully in just a few months—we then will be in country for at least 18 months while we finalize the adoption. At best, this is a two year process, and at worst…well, more years than I’d like to admit.

And while we might be able to leave individually for an emergency, we won’t be able to leave with our baby, or have our families meet our baby (or meet theirs!) for a number of years.

Or we might not be placed at all.

Either way, we have no idea what 2017 has yet to hold, nor 2018 for that matter. We know we just said goodbyes to our family, friends, and mentors, likely for a few years. We don’t know if we’ll have a child in our home soon or not, what age it will be or gender, or even ethnicity or health. We don’t know who will be in our community when we return, or who will have moved to Bangkok or back to Burma. We don’t know what God has in store for the community, because the only consistency it has offered is surprises.

This seemed even more evident as we packed our bags, trying to fit in clothes for upwards of three years; guessing at what we might need. We packed in small baby gifts and fun items we’ve found for our little “bunny” on the way.

But with hope and expectation, there is always the room for loss and grieving–of the years we’ll be gone, of the unknowns ahead.

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The last night we were with my family in Little Rock, we played outside with my nieces and nephew. We played basketball and wrote with sidewalk chalk until they had to come in for showers and bed.

Stephen began playing songs for the kids on the piano, singing about the smells and needing to take showers, their pajamas, how their dad was tall playing basketball and was a prince..pal. The kids were rolling with laughter, and my little two year old niece kept saying, “‘Nother one! ‘Nother one!” as each song finished.

This led into all of us piled on the piano bench, bed, and floor—Stephen & I, my sister & her husband, and their four kids—singing worship songs as Stephen played. The kids sang oh-so-loudly that Holy Spirit you are welcome here; they even included some interpretive dance moves.

And then we sang Good, Good Father. The kids know it, so the little four-year-old, six-year-old, and seven-year old voices sang out about their good, good Father. I looked at their dad as he sat with them on the floor, and he is a good, good dad. I looked to Stephen, who is going to make such a good, good dad—hopefully soon. I thought of my dad, who I’d hug goodbye the next day, and he is a good, good dad. I looked to our Heavenly Father, and I know he is a good, good Dad.

And then I thought of our little neighborhood kids who know this song and sing along with us often. They are getting to know their good, good Father. And I thought of their good dads, who are need of their good Father.

And I knew we needed to go back.

Because as much as I’m probably not supposed to say this, I question it often—in the goodbyes and the missed birthdays; in the fundraising; in the middle of the domestic disputes; in the middle of my weakness; in our marriage and our futures; in big picture of the Kingdom or just doing good things. I question it all, so often, but packing bags and saying goodbyes and walking into unknowns just brings out all the questions in you.

But He is a good, good Father. And I wanted our little bunny—wherever, whoever, and whenever—to know Him. And I want our community to know Him.

You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are perfect in all your ways to us.

And somehow, while we cry and say goodbyes, He is perfect in all of His ways to us. And while toddlers become little girls over FaceTime, He is perfect in all of us His ways to us. Somehow, while we try to start a Breakfast Club so these kids don’t go to school hungry, He is perfect in all of His ways to us. Somehow, while we wait for our bunny to come to us, He is perfect in all of His ways to us.

Categories, smattegories. It just doesn’t all fit that perfectly.

But here are a few more photos and moments I don’t want to forget.

I’m so glad we got to meet this girl and see her sweet smile. We’ll have two more nieces to meet next time we land!

Yeah, Little Rock still holds a place in our hearts. And we like photo ops!

We were able to attend and share at the Marked Conference in OKC, hosted by the organization we used to work with–The Spero Project. Guys, this event is absolutely incredible. They did such a great job portraying the reality of women, children, refugees, and poverty around the globe; and they certainly challenged the church with practical ways to change it. I’m so thankful for all they do to change the world.

And she’s the hero behind it all and happens to be my soulmate! I’m so thankful we had lunch eight years ago and that I was able to work with you for a short year; and I’m so thankful we keep in touch now. And I think I’m thankful we have so many quirky things in common.

And we got to see this sweet family, who is just more American than we could be.

We got to sit on their floor over games, fish, and rice; and it was just like coming home.

They also wanted to recreate a photo of Stephen & Moo from years ago! Here is from 2010:

And in 2017:

Throughout our time in the States, it was SO FUN to spend time with our nieces and nephews. There are so many of them–19 right now, 21 in just a few months!–and it just so much more fun to be there in person than over Skype.

It was also fun to see friends with new babies and in new homes and new jobs–just doing life. We were able to fly out to Pittsburgh to visit my college roommate and her family. It was so fun to just see them in their element and see how much had changed since their wedding, the last time we were home!

  Our trip out to Tennessee was also great. We spent a summer working with the newly resettled Karen in Smyrna, Tennessee, in 2008. Many of the families had just landed that year and were sorting out so many things of life in America. We played with the kids, taught English, went to doctor visits, played games, and just had all the fun in the world.

This time, we saw them all 9 years later–at a party they all drove to and brought all their kids and families to. They all own houses and have careers and are going to university. We sat around for hours chatting and sharing stories–from Tennessee and Mae La; from how our lives now are like theirs were.

We watched a slideshow of all our photos from that summer, while the kids tried to identify who was who and laughed at how much had changed. It was so much fun.

Some families & individuals will just always inspire you, and these are some of them.

 Throughout the party, we were given many envelopes from different families who were giving their tithe to our community in Mae Sot. We were so honored to be blessed by them, and then even more surprised when we counted up thousands of dollars at the end of the day. It was just incredible to see their generosity, their love for their country, and their support of our lives there. Just, WOW.

And last–this was just fun. This was a crazy full day at Fritz’s Adventure Park that involved lots of slides and obstacle courses and climbing walls. All the adults left with a few injuries, but it was fun!

Perhaps that’s how we can sum up America: it was fun! We were definitely #happytobehere.

One of the best parts of being stateside are the holidays. We miss so many being away from family–the big ones, the small ones, the ones only America celebrates. Either way, it was so fun to be a part of some of these over the past few months.

{Birthdays}

We caught a number of birthdays while were back, but also missed five–yes, five!–by just three days. So, y’know, you win some. And you only take pictures at some, too.

Stephen’s family also surprised me with a birthday celebration before we left!

{Gender Reveals}

We knew Stephen’s sister was pregnant before we left. Just a couple weeks in we got to be a part of the surprise that she was having twins! And then, we got to participate in a gender reveal, which might be our first live gender reveal that we can recall. (We’ve Skyped into a few before. It’s sometimes difficult to tell what is going on.)

They came with balloons…

And we came with guesses! We were mostly wrong. Rex & Madeline were the only two guessing two girls were on the way!

{A Mini Baby Shower}

After announcing the adoption, my family asked about a baby shower. However, knowing so little–timing, gender, age–it seemed challenging. Instead, everyone went together to throw us a mini baby shower as a family, to celebrate with us!

This was so unexpected and really such a gift.

This gift was the best: a Trunkie. It’s a little suitcase, this one decorated like a bumblebee, that is a carry-on but also can carry a child’s weight. They can ride or be pulled through the airport! For our future traveler!

And these cookies–whoa! For those who haven’t heard of Willflowers Bakeshoppe, you should find them on Instagram and be amazed. They are simply incredible, and ordered to fit us perfectly–they had pictures of Thailand, “love” in three languages, and the cutest little elephant family I’ve ever seen.

And while the gifts were great and the cookies were spectacular, what really meant the world was just celebrating together. It’s been a challenge to determine when & how to be excited and anticipatory without hesitation or self-protection. This was a kickstart to unabandoned excitement!

We also later received a beautiful gift from Stephen’s mom–a hand sewn & embroidered baby blanket! It’s beautiful, and she made it extra-think for our tile floors! It was really fun to have people celebrating with us.

{Easter}

We were able to just sneak in Easter before we left this past week. We decorated lots of beautiful hardboiled eggs over the weeks before.

We celebrated with my family on Saturday, with a day at soccer games, an egg hunt & family dinner.

We were at Stephen’s parents for Easter lunch and another egg hunt.

This little guy was oh-so-adorably calling out, “Eg-ggg, where aarrree you? Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

We brought a selfie stick with us to America because it’s a pretty great thing that has taken over Asia. And then we brought a few more, hoping to share the love.

Some folks really got into the fun…

…And sometimes we really got a lot of folks into the fun!

They get the award for most dedicated to the selfie! I had told them over dinner I didn’t want to miss the chance, and I was convinced to force them into their first selfie experience. And then I forgot. But in texting on the way home, they agreed to pull over and take one with us!

(So we’re not there any more, but we were happy to be there when we were! And here’s just a few posts of recap while we transition through Bangkok and make our way to Mae Sot on Tuesday.)

Best City.

Guys, Chicago is the best. I’ve always loved it, but this time, it really took us.

In transit we took a couple days for just us in the city, and it was just more than we could have asked for. We used the shared bicycle system throughout the city and biked all of the Lakefront Trail. It was just stunning and so refreshing.

But we wouldn’t want to get too healthy biking for miles, so we stopped for donuts, too. I’m sure that’s what they intend for your bike basket.

And we found a candy shop, which has been one of my America-goals. (Ridiculous, I know.) About a year ago we were in Bangkok and I spotted a candy store across the mall–bright colors, so many choices in so many bins. I went running over, only to find it a dried fruit shop. And since then I’ve been wanting to visit a candy shop. So we did and I loved it! And we spent like $5 because I don’t even enjoy candy that much. (It’s so odd the things you miss–sometimes it’s not even things you’d do|eat if you were in the States!)

Really, it was just great. He’s great and being together in a great city was the best.

Best Activity.

 It was so much fun to be outside in America! We had such fun hiking, going for walks & bike rides, and playing at parks {until allergy season hit}.

Apparently we really, really enjoyed being outdoors.

Best Rest.

About six months ago my sister started talking about a conference she was helping to plan at their church, and it sounded great then. After we bought tickets and it overlapped with the conference, that was the first text I sent–sign us up!

The Dwell Conference was a two-day event considering the different ways we dwell with God. We were able to attend with my sister & brother-in-law and my parents, and it was just a great chance to breathe, pray, and worship.

For the past six years, church often involves either high personal involvement (hosting, leading worship, teaching) or its in another language. Or worst case scenario, both.

The opportunity to simply sing along, to listen, to participate: so restful. We loved it.

Best Mentors.

Paul has been our pastor for over ten years now, and we are so thankful for the wisdom, prayers, and encouragement he has poured into us and our marriage. We were able to enjoy coffee with him regularly while were stateside, and we are so thankful for every moment we got!

We met Tom & Sherie in 2008 when we came to work with the Karen with them, and we’ve been cherishing every moment with them since. For those who are fans of The Hobbit, their home is our Rivendale.

We were able to enjoy long meals, long walks, and long conversations with them for a few days in February, and it was simply the best.

Best Tour.

We were able to visit some friends in small-town central Illinois, and let me tell you: they give the best tours! We loved getting to see their hometown, which also boasts the best theatre for miles.

They were such fun hosts and made central Illinois super tempting, I must say.

Best Concert.

We got to see Norah Jones in concert at the Ryman!

It was by far the best concert I’ve been to. The Ryman is a spectacular venue, and she is pretty spectacular herself. She mixes up the style, shows off different instruments, and gave the best very best encore I could fathom.

And again, with him! So fun.

Best Photo(s).

I couldn’t pick just one.

These sisters are pretty incredible members of a pretty incredible family, and I love this photo of them.

And this just perfectly captures my niece in all her greatness.

Best Burger.

If you are ever in Nashville, look up The Pharmacy. It was the best burger we’ve ever had, and delicious phosphates. The conversation with these guys made it all the better!

Best of Both Worlds.

We had the chance to cross paths with lots of friends from Mae Sot while we’re in the States. It’s so fun to see people in such a different element and see what we take with us and what we don’t. And to see their lives after returning, too!

These amazing ladies are studying at John Brown University while their parents keep us alive in Mae Sot. It was fun to visit campus and see where they are, and to feel super old–just visit a college campus! Oh, and mention that you loved getting to see Norah Jones in concert. The looks are priceless.

Best Surprise.

My brother-in-law is the vice principal at a school in Little Rock, and he came home one afternoon with the best surprise. He had been talking to the counselor that day, and she was lamenting how difficult it was to connect with and communicate with one of the families in the school. She couldn’t find a translator, and it just wasn’t working.

When she mentioned it was a Burmese family, he thought of us! By the end of the week we came in to help them translate some documents and were able to sit down and chat with this sweet mother for over an hour.

We were able to get her daughter signed up for the free summer ESL program, and we got to hear all about their family and the few other Burmese families in Little Rock. We later came back to translate more documents and get them registered for next year; and we visited them at work a few times.

It turned out to be such a fun surprise. It was great to get to use our Burmese and see how far we’ve come, and it was just so fun to connect with something so familiar a million miles away.

Best Coffee.

It took us to our last day to find it, but if you’ve got a coffee shop brewing Nitro Coffee near you–go get it. It’s a cold brew coffee infused with nitrous oxide, so it’s frothy and not acidic. It’s naturally sweeter and creamier, without sweetener or cream.

Oh, the best way to know you’ve traveled in from way out of town? You’re wearing the same five outfits for every photo over three months! 😂

While we watched everything come together in Mae Sot and Bangkok, I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel ready to go, in the middle of sinking our teeth into so many good things.

I don’t really even feel ready to go back to America, probably for the first time ever.

I think it’s a combination of things.

I haven’t had time to overanalyze every aspect of our lives here and going back, and I certainly wish I did! I feel scattered as a person, and I find myself wishing I was more put together for a country that always seems so put together.

And—if I’m being brutally honest—America isn’t being very inviting right now. It’s heartbreaking to see the hatred in our country; the fear that is driving us forward.

As I watch others “return home” and not be allowed back into the country, I’m worried. Will they let me in? Will they let me back out?

To my advantage, I’m a white middle-class female, so I’m pretty likely to be let in or out.

And that, perhaps, is the least comforting of all.

That is not the America I was raised in. I was raised in a country that invited in the poor and huddled masses. I was raised in country that said we were all created equal, with the freedom to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.

I don’t know what I’m coming back to; but it isn’t what I left. I don’t know when it changed. I don’t know who it’s changed.

But the God that loves us enough to let me jump off that tuktuk in the middle of nowhere and find Musana jumping into my arms for a hug—He’s the same God that sees the largest refugee crisis the world has ever known. He’s the same God that sees minorities, races, genders, and religions being oppressed, and it is nothing new under the sun. He is the same God that saw the Roman empire rise and fall. He is the same God that knows the hairs on my head as well as theirs. He hasn’t changed.

Can I just say this: America, I’m not ready for you. I’m a bit terrified of you.

But God was clearly ready for us to head your way, for such a time as this it seems.

So I’m hoping he has as many miracles on the continent ahead of us as the one we’re leaving behind.

One more miracle before we left: I finished this painting in our house this week, nothing short of six months after starting it.

And perhaps it’s even more applicable now than it was then.

Note: I’m not starting an argument; I’m not picking a side. I’m not even going to allow negative comments to post. I know some of these fears are irrational or irrelevant. Instead, I’m just sharing thoughts on returning to the US in such a season, and to state quite simply two things I know—I’m not ready, but God is good. 

Yes, this is a real thing.

We went to Chiang Mai to meet friends currently living in China, and the bunny cafe was just too tempting to turn down.

The cafe part is simple: you buy over-priced, over-sweetened coffees that Thailand is famous for.  Then, you head upstairs to enjoy a “show” of sorts and a chance to see over thirty bunnies!

First, they make you wear slippers to keep it clean. Bunny slippers, of course.

We all sat around where we could reach the bunnies to pet them and they could jump into our laps for treats. They showed us many different breeds—

Some with long ears

Some that do tricks! (While the photo isn’t great, he’s lifting weights!)

And some that were HUGE—that’s a seven kilo bunny!

One of the breeds is called a Rex, and this is mini Rex. So this photo is for Stephen’s dad!

We really had so much fun. Admittedly, I might have enjoyed it the most. The bunnies are so well trained and so well cared for—and the cutest animal ever!

I know you all want to come visit us now, and don’t worry—we’ll go back with you! Stephen has offered a deal that we visit the bunny cafe monthly in exchange for not buying another little market bunny! 😂