The House Collective

rejoice with me!

by Filed Under: house church, housewares, kelli, on the house 3 Comments

Since we returned to Mae Sot, it’s been a dark season. I’m not sure I can even put my finger on it, or words to it, except to say that I’ve wanted to move back more than ever before. I’ve questioned if anything is coming of this; if it is worth the heartache and challenges. If it is worth the mountain that constantly seems to lie in front of us.

While we were stateside, one of the ideas gnawing on me was this: I don’t just want to do good here. Good is, well, it’s innately good; but it’s so temporary. Take Flour & Flowers: I love it. It kills me every week, but I love it. I love that I can see the women learning new skills, building their confidence, and seeing their families better off. There are clear successes and clear results, which is unique in this work, and rewarding.

However, if we’re honest, it’s so minimal. They are still paperless; they are still poor. They are only slightly more comfortable and stable; and what happens when we go? Or people stop buying bread & flowers? It feels like you are working so hard for, well, a Band-Aid. A temporary relief of pain, while we’re all still stirring around in the same pot of brokenness.

{I told you this was a dark season, and I am wrestling with my own dark season. But I promise this post ends in great rejoicing. Get excited, and don’t give up on me!}

So I’ve been praying through this: how do we communicate hope in Christ? And how do we even continue to walk in it, broken situation after broken situation?

I’ve been praying through many prayers, wrestling through many questions, and crying many tears. Because I just feel like God hasn’t said to leave yet, but sometimes I’m not sure why we stay.

But this past week we have had some beautiful news.

And I’m simply going to report it in the order it came in, because really, where do you start? Apparently beginnings & conclusions aren’t my speciality. I’m just in for the long, long road in the middle.

First, two years ago in July 2015, we loaned a young couple a large sum of money. It was around $700, to help them pay off a loan they had taken with a loan shark & had a horrible interest rate–30% monthly if I recall correctly. Their plan to pay it off was to split up, with her moving to Burma pregnant & him staying behind to work it off. We offered a plan for them to pay it off in four months to us interest-free.

Two years later, it’s quite clear four months didn’t happen! After the first few $60 payments, they bailed for awhile. We then asked them to give her Flour & Flowers salary each week, about $9. And in $9 increments, for well over a year, they paid off the entire loan last week.

{Insert all the shock and awe and pride you can imagine.}

And then it gets even better: she told us last week that they now want to save with us! She’s going to continue giving us the $9 per week to save for their family!

{Internet writing is not equipped to express the emotions needed for this post, and even more is yet to come!}

And in another success story: Mwei Mwei is attending a sewing training here in town at a Christian organization, and she is loving it. We’ve “hired” her to do this training, and in just a couple weeks she’ll be sewing at our house five days a week. This will keep her with her family, out of a Bangkok job, and she’ll be able to study one hour a day.

She’s confident & smiling now; she’s excelling as a seamstress. Her mom tells me every week that she is so happy, and we couldn’t be happier.

I read a [horribly depressing] article this week on Al Jazeera about the loan business and prostitution that is all over Burma now. It talked about those at risk–taking loans, often from neighbors and friends, at ridiculous interest rates and ending up in endless debt. It talked about how many people are turning to prostitution to pay debts and survive. It talked about the young girls, dropping out of school at 13, and taking jobs for the family–sometimes in factories and sometimes in prostitution, but either way leaving them vulnerable for such situations in the future.

But while I read this, these weren’t vague stories: these were my best friends.

While I didn’t love the messy conversations about money or the ridiculousness of keeping track of $9 per week; while I don’t love hiring a 15-year-old and it isn’t easy to line up tutoring for her every day–it’s all worth it.

Because it’s keeping them from much worse, and it’s investing in dear, dear friends.

And now, the true jaw-dropper, friends.

For a long time, we’ve been attending church every week with one family–a couple with three boys–and then a whole lot of kids. We recently added a grandmother and a young girl with mental disabilities. And we always, always have lots of kids.

We’ve been inviting friends and telling them about our faith for years in the best language we can muster, and really, it’s been evident evangelism isn’t our gifting. We’re planters and waterers in this community.  But this family going with us: they are evangelizers. And so are our pastor & his wife.

And as of this week, six people from around our community are in a baptism class, and they’ll be baptized this Saturday at the local reservoir!

I don’t even begin to have the words or descriptions for this. One of them is our sweet little Yaminoo, who we’ve loved for so many years and prayed so many prayers for. And her dad–I don’t have the words.

All I know is that faith, hope, and love remain. All I know is that even if they are stirred in the pot of brokenness forever on this earth, faith, hope, and love will set their lives apart. All I know is that “he calls together his friends and neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me!'” (Luke 15:6,9)

Rejoice with us, friends. Because this is all worth something.

So if our adoption falls to pieces, or our social skills, or even our sanity: if we have jumped in this pot of brokenness with them and can only come home with more disorders and messes than we can ever deal with, it was all worth it. Because faith, hope, and love will remain.

Rejoice with us!

accentuate.

by Filed Under: kelli, on the house, onehouse, photos, playhouse 1 Comment

Some seasons it becomes vitally important that you accentuate the positives. And that is precisely this post: when I can’t find the words for all the situations around us, we’ll just accentuate the positives.

We made it to Bangkok last week, and overall had a good trip. We drove there so we could make a trip to Ikea (!!), which is a lot of good things in one sentence! We had a car that made it all the way to Bangkok and back with no problems (thanks, Hagelbergs!); Stephen also rocked Bangkok traffic for a week, which is quite an accomplishment. And we went to Ikea!

And one of the hotels we stayed in had the elevators covered in denim fabric?! It wasn’t a win. We stood in the middle so we didn’t touch the sides! 😂

We successfully completed our adoption course with about thirty other couples from around the world.

That’s us: we’re PAPs! That is, Prospective Adoptive Parents. I don’t know if they use this reference worldwide, but I would think any countries that use Pap smears wouldn’t. Just a personal opinion.

And since we’re accentuating the positives, I’ll just say that we finished the course!

Then we headed just outside of the city to visit our Burmese friends working in local factories. In short: Musana moved back to live with her mom, step-dad, & sister at the end of last year. While we were in America, her grandmother & cousin, Zen Yaw, moved there, too, to join the whole family.

The good part? The family is all together. Zen Yaw is reunited with his mom & dad, who he hasn’t lived with since he was an infant. Musana is with her family, and they are all in the apartment building. The grandmother has less responsibility, and they are overall doing better–the adults have jobs and are paid minimum wage; the apartments have running water and real walls; they are eating better.

The bad part? It’s pretty far from our street in Mae Sot, and we’re sad about that! They also aren’t able to go to school where they are, and there aren’t many kids to play with.

 But, we got to spend two days with them, and that was lovely. Zen Yaw remembered us and warmed up to us quickly; it was so fun to have him curl up into our laps. He also is doing really well for the amount of trauma he’s experienced in his 4 years.

They really are both doing so well emotionally, and they light up just having someone to play with. We played Chutes & Ladders, practiced some English workbooks, played games on our phones, and chatted with the adults. We try to bring them some toys, too, that are more long-lasting: dolls she can play with repeatedly; crafts they can do; English workbooks; a punching bag for Zen Yaw! And Stephen loaded up some videos onto a flash drive, so they can learn some English and listen to Bible stories, which they were oh-so-excited about.

As sad as it was to see them for such a short time, I can’t minimize the miracle it is to be able to see them after they’ve moved hours away. And we are truly glad to see them doing well and be able to reconnect with them often and continue to love on them any way we can.

And, because we drove, we wanted to find a place nearer to them to stay. We usually take a couple hours of train rides & taxis out to their house from the city. This time we found a resort about twenty minutes from them and decided to give it a try.

It was a WIN. It was set on 70 acres along the river, with beautiful paths and a lovely swimming pool.

They had three restaurants there, with food prepared from their on-site organic gardens. They also make soaps, teas, and other products organically right on their property, which was pretty great.

We got to go paddle boating out on the lake!

And now we’re back to Mae Sot, settled into our great new house and community space! We are loving it. Playhouse has gone so well in the afternoons, with kids coming from all over the neighborhood, and often parents, too.

We’re seeing moms coming with their young toddlers, sitting to play with them, read to them, and teach them. This is what we always hoped and envisioned, and it’s working!

I did attempt to teach Guess Who in Burmese, which was a bit of a disaster. Oh, well!

This week also held International Milk Day–who knew that was a thing?! It really just means milk was on sale and seemed a good treat for the kiddos!

This weekend, we braved a Bingo night! The first week we got back from America, Nyein Nyein asked when we’d have Bingo. (Nyein Nyein is an adult–one of the moms who bakes bread every Friday!😂) We recently have had a number of expatriates move back and leave us with some donations for the community. Since they are difficult to distribute evenly and fairly, Bingo is a great way to make it a fun community event and less of a stampede 😀 And we had SO much! In the photo below, the entire corner behind me was stuffed with clothes, shoes, bags, household items, toys, and other treasures.

And since this is all about accentuating the positive, I won’t dwell on the woman that grabbed a pile of things at the end and ran out the door…😳😡😕😡😣😡

Ultimately, it was chaotic and fun and everybody loved it.  We’ll do it again in another six months when our bravery has returned!

And, while the photo below is pathetic, it was a fun part of the week! Stephen is working on pieces of his OneHouse album and had a friend record some vocals and keys this week. It’s exciting to see projects moving forward, even if slowly.

So, here’s to accentuating the positives! Makes for easier blog-writing 😀

renovations.

by Filed Under: kelli, photos, stephen 1 Comment

This is what I wrote my friend recently about our “house renovations” and on doing such things in Thailand:

Renovations in general are horrible in this country. Imagine how long it should take you, and then double it. And have something go horribly wrong, and try to fix it in another language. And then add three more days.

And as it turns out, that was an understatement.

Upon returning to Mae Sot, we knew we had a small window of time to get things settled and move into the house next door. We had about a month before we had to be back in Bangkok for our adoption class, at which point we wanted to have our updated photos taken to give to our caseworker.

We put a door between our two houses, which was estimated to take a day. It took 3 1/2 days. They scored & cut a beautiful hole in the wall–perfect lines and beautiful. They fit the door frame into the wall: beautiful.

And then they put the door in, measured to fit the frame and made by the same company.  No go. The door didn’t fit. They had to trim the door on top & bottom, and in removing the frame again, two large chunks of concrete fell from their gorgeous hole.

So we patched it up and tried options B, C, & D. Fast forward three days–and hey, we have a door! And it looks good. And most thankfully, we’re still friends with Matt.

We then started to paint our new house: the first room (for baby bunny!) went perfectly. Two coats, and beautiful.

The second room (our bedroom): While we’ve been gone, fire ants built a nest in our air con, so when I turned it on while painting–trying to survive the 100 degree temps–I suddenly felt bites all over my neck and shoulders. Fire ants invaded the room, falling from the aircon and pouring out in every direction.  We decided to sweat it out while painting and call the air con guy to come clean it.

And then it took five coats to get it even. Five coats of paint in 100 degree temperatures.

And then last: the studio & main living area & kitchen-will-be-laundry room. We called a friend for help. And as it turns out, she painted houses for a summer job years ago, and is amazing at it. So while I did about 20% of the room, she NAILED it.  That was God’s little gift to keep us afloat.

Then we were just days away from moving our bedroom over to the new place. As we sat in bed watching a show, there was a distinct scratching noise under the bed. Very distinct, and very alive. We were pretty sure it was a mouse or rat scratching the plastic bag that holds our Christmas tree.

So, at 10:30pm, just a couple days before we’d be cleaning it all out anyway, we unloaded everything from under our bed. And guys, that’s like our attic. It is our only storage space in the entire house, so that has all our Christmas decor, suitcases, camping gear…it all came out. Dusty and everything.

And no creature to be found. But he was still scratching.

Now Stephen laid down on the floor and started looking closer with a flashlight. There was definitely something alive, but stuck behind our bamboo headboard. Evidently stuck, because he wasn’t coming out. And with the shadow he was making, it appeared more stick-like than we anticipated.

We started to wonder if it was a snake? But how was it scratching against something?

We dug closer, and in the end found the world’s biggest (and dumbest) dragonfly. A dragonfly. About 4″ long, it was stuck behind our headboard and frantically flailing it’s wings, thus sounding like scratching against the bamboo.

I guess I’m glad it wasn’t a mouse|rat|snake.

And I guess it did push us to move things and get them sorted sooner, since now the entire contents of our house were scattered around the community space.

For yet another two weeks, we spent all day every day working around the house: starting about 6am and working to 3:30pm, when we shoved everything into side rooms so that the kids could come to play. And then we’d pull it all back out at 6pm and work until late in the evening.

And then we had bread days strewn in there, when we’d try to move everything aside to make piles of bread and have toddlers running around the house all day.

I don’t even have the words for the chaos.

In the end, we have moved into the new side of the house! We put in additional electrical outlets for Stephen’s studio and the kitchen area. We built shelving for the laundry room & bathroom, all of our books and games, and for Stephen’s recording & music gear. We have a little room set up for when baby bunny joins us.

We also rearranged the community side and absolutely love it. There is so much more space for people to come in! We have a room for the babies and toddlers, complete with soft flooring and baby-safe toys. We have an area of toys for the younger kids (trains, cars, and simple puzzles), and still another area for the older kids (coloring, board games, & difficult puzzles). We have computer tables set up and a larger sitting area for parents within view of the littles. We are currently working on one more technology area–we have a simple computer set up to play extremely simple video games (Tetris, Mario, and other free games from the 80s) that the older kids love. We’re also trying to get our old iPad set up to play a few simple English games. Both give the kids some fun and help them learn basic technology.

And my favorite: the reading nook. I love that the kids love books!

The kitchen is also re-designed with bread in mind. I have separated out my ingredients into what the bakers use and what they don’t, making it easier to know where things are and help them take responsibility for cleaning their area. We have also set up a Housewares room–the Warehouse, if you will–that has a shelf of all bread ingredients. This will help us to very quickly see what we need each week and give them more responsibility in it all. The other side of the shelf is for sewing projects, as this is now the sewing room, too! It’s so nice to have the sewing machine in a closed room while kids are in and out of the house. Lastly, this room will be the storehouse for The Breakfast Club, too, including dishes and bulk foods.

So, despite the work that took us all of four weeks and a whole lot of chaos to accomplish, we love it. And then we left the next day for Bangkok. We’re already looking forward to being home to enjoy it all!

the community carries on.

by Filed Under: housewares, kelli, photos, schoolhouse 1 Comment

Upon returning to Mae Sot, we jumped head-first into renovations on our new addition: we are now renting the two houses of our duplex, and we’re working to make them one cohesive space for our family & the community. We’re also racing to have this all finished before we go to Bangkok for our adoption class, so that our case worker can see photos of our new space.

But while we tear down & build & paint, the community carries on. Life doesn’t stop!

____________

Our friend, Mwei Mwei, is back from Bangkok! Her whole family is here and so dear to us, and we have been so sad to have her be in Bangkok over the past year. She returned just a week after us, as her mom said it was just too hard on her and them. It has been a sticky situation all along: they are like family to us. Mwei Mwei is like a little sister, and her mom, Thida, is one of my closest friends. We had so many conversations about our concerns with her being there: the risk of her job, if it was above board, the dangers in Bangkok for 14-year-old girls without papers or family!  We told her many times we’d find her a job here if that’s what it took.

So we are! We are working on a sewing project for her to start in our home alongside San Aye, and possibly some childcare options in the community. While we aren’t a big fan of hiring a 14-year-old, we recognize the alternatives and want to make sure those don’t happen. We are also trying to determine how to help her continue some education even if she isn’t enrolled in school. Pray for wisdom as we maneuver this in the coming weeks.

And upon her return, we really wanted her to feel celebrated! We made a cake for the family and snapped a photo when most of them were at our house for Playhouse. (We are still working on smiling during photos!) Mwei Mwei is in red on the right.

____________

Flour & Flowers continues each week, even in the construction zone! We are baking bread and still keep growing! Daw Ma Oo is still in Yangon, receiving chemotherapy & radiation for her cancer, and possibly a surgery this week, as well. In the mean time, her family is working together to continue the flower sales in a few local markets and with our deliveries.

We know they are having a hard time making ends meet: for all of them to eat, to pay for her treatment, and to get her youngest two sons registered for school. We decided we wanted to find a way to have our Flour & Flower customers get involved. The first week of May, we did a Flowers Fundraiser for her family: we bought all the flowers that week, so that any bouquets purchased gave 100% of sales to her family.  We told everyone in town and had a great response! We were able to give over 3,000 baht (around $100) to her family to help with medical expenses and immediate needs as they function without their main breadwinner.  Even amidst the sadness of her cancer diagnosis, it has been encouraging to see the Burmese community and expat community support her in anyway they can, whether it be financial gifts, buying flowers, making meals, and everything in between.

 And this little friend, whose mom is one of the bread bakers, is always keeping us on our toes! He’s cuter than ever, starting to talk, and loves small spaces, some of which he gets stuck in.

____________

Last Monday around 8:30pm, San Aye came to our door asking if we could take her to the market. I was a little confused–as most of Mae Sot is closed by that time–as to where and why we’d be going. She said there was a “big, cheap market” in town that had school uniforms for just $1 per shirt, which is less than half of what you’d usually pay. She wanted to get uniforms for her son and her nephews, Daw Ma Oo’s sons. Since we are always looking to support the kids staying in school and are looking for ways to help Daw Ma Oo’s family, this seemed a great opportunity.

Three of us climbed on the motorbike and headed out. I tried to clarify that it was definitely open at such a late hour and where this market might be. Was it in town for a holiday?

Turns out it’s Tesco. The big, cheap market.

San Aye had never been, so it was so interesting to see her response. There is an escalator going up, and she paused, scared to get on. She grabbed my arm for dear life as I tried to tell her when to step and where. It was very Elf-like in the end!  As we left, her sister-in-law and I were in front, headed down the escalator again. Forgetting her fear earlier, we climbed on, only to leave her screaming at the top! I had to turn around and race back up the escalator to help her get on!

The uniforms were some pretty incredible prices: $1 shirts, $1.50 for skirts and shorts, and $3 for the younger kids shoes. We decided it might help others in the community, so I went to some houses and asked if they’d like me to get any for them and they could pay us back.

A week later, I’ve been seven times to Tesco and bought hundreds of dollars worth of uniforms in small $2-$10 loans!

At one point, San Aye realized the shoes she got for her son didn’t actually match each other–they were the same size but different styles. I tried to exchange them for her, but they were sold out in that size. I returned home later and found that I had actually bought the other set in that size that was mismatched, so we could swap them out! I guess that’s what happens when you’re buying most of the inventory! 😂

____________

Oh, and They They built Paris for us. 😁

bitter|sweet.

by Filed Under: house calls, kelli Leave a Comment

My sister recommended a book a few years back, Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sara Hagerty. In short, every sad, broken, sorrowful thing that happens to us has a sweet side–it has a side that shows us Jesus.

I found myself thinking about this all week. While every bitter thing IS sweet (and would recommend the book!), I kind of think the opposite is true, too: every sweet thing is bitter.

This very well might be the pessimist’s mantra. Please don’t hate me for being a pessimist. But consider: sometimes I think we as Westerners want so many things to only be sweet–we want to ignore the bitter. We want to buy the clothes without thinking of who made them; we want to eat the food without thinking of who isn’t able to do that; we want to post the perfect picture without acknowledging the story behind it.

Which, wanting to be optimistic isn’t horrible, but I do think it can lead us to a denial of the world we live in.

It’s broken.

The Bible writes it on every page: sin is here, and it’s bitter. And yet Jesus is here, too, and he’s sweet. I think we need to be willing to swallow them both down together.

_______________________

As we returned this week to our community, it was sweet to be back in our home, surrounded by our friends, and chatting about life. Chatting in a language we have invested so many hours in, but are now communicating. Surrounded by friends that we have invested so many years in, but are now friends. Living in a place that felt uncomfortable in so many ways, but now feels comfortable. It was sweet.

But it was also a bitter, bitter week.

We landed in Bangkok, hoping to see Musana. We learned that her grandmother & cousin, Zen Yaw, were on their way to Bangkok. We delayed seeing her to the last day we were in the city, hoping to catch them all. He arrived the very next morning after we left. And now he’s not here, running up to our door. I don’t know if I can really put it into words, but it is a deep, real loss to the community. Like Musana, he had a sticker on him, as God’s good gift to us–in smiles and laughter and the best hugs; watching the washer wash; singing Hallelujah. Gosh, those two kids were huge gifts to us.

And now, they are really long way away, and it’s bitter.

It’s sweet, too: God gave us the incredible, incredible miraculous gift of knowing where they are. We can call them; we can visit them. I cannot over-exclaim the complete and utter miracle it is that we know where they live and have found them, three times now, outside of Bangkok. This is a great gift to us. They are healthy and gaining weight; they are in concrete homes with running water. Their families are together.

And I know God is good: maybe he knows that Zen Yaw was my little guy, and us adopting a little babe would have been hard on him. Even our leaving for a weekend or going to church without him was really difficult for him. So perhaps this is bittersweet for all of us.

We also learned of other families that left while we were gone. Two families we knew really well have gone back to Burma, and we likely won’t see them again. That’s really hard to adjust to, in a way I can’t describe.

And Daw Ma Oo, the sweet woman who sells flowers with Flour & Flowers, was gone when we returned. She was just recently diagnosed with uterine cancer and went to Yangon for surgery. We hear she’ll back in six months or eight; when she’s well…no one seems to know. Her husband & sons are here; the whole community is pretty closely connected to her and hurting. It’s terrifying, and we all know it.

Honestly? Cancer is often diagnosed late here, and usually little can be done. Most people we know lose family members within months of diagnosis. It’s bitter to swallow.

Another young girl–just a teenager–was sick with what we guessed was cancer when we left. We had been to the clinic a few times with her, and it was a sticky situation to say the least. Her mother refused to seek help from an organization to pay for her daughter’s treatment. She left the hospital, and it’s continued to worsen. She passed away Friday and we had the funeral on Saturday.

We learned of one family that attends church with us was kicked off their land, so they now live with another family–10 people in a small, shambled hut. It’s bitter.

But we gave them seeds before we left, and they have a beautiful garden going. They are proud of it, and it was a great investment of our $2. I’m thrilled they can see the fruit of their labor. I’m thrilled they are eating the fruit! It’s sweet.

I don’t even have the words really for the incredible sweetness and the incredible bitterness this week has held. Instead, I just keep thinking of both sides: Every bitter thing is sweet. Every sweet thing is bitter.

And then there will be heaven.

birthday.

by Filed Under: kelli, on the house, photos Leave a Comment

My birthday fell just two days after we landed in Mae Sot, so we decided to do a little shindig to see lots of folks! We initially planned to have a meal for everyone and have the neighbors help, but when we came home to no water, we needed a new plan. We simplified it down to cake!

I made fourteen batches of the “depression cake” recipe, in strawberry, vanilla & chocolate. Thankfully, I had lots of help 😀

Inspired by the controversial Starbucks unicorn drink all over social media, I added extra pink into the strawberry, plus made bright purple icing, and topped it all with sprinkles. I figured the neighbors would love it! And they did.

We also got to play a few rounds of Sorry while the cakes baked! It’s so good to be back 😍

😂😂😂😂

Some of the girls were all dressed up for the party!

six days.

by Filed Under: house calls, housewares, kelli, on the house 2 Comments

In the last six days, we:

Met with our caseworker in Bangkok
Visited Musana & her family, our neighbor friends who moved to Bangkok
Flew to Mae Sot, arriving in the middle of Playhouse and a full house of kiddos
Met a few new faces
Made seventeen batches of birthday cake, for two neighbor kiddos & my own birthday
Had a birthday party!
Returned to Flour & Flowers, made deliveries around town
Learned of three neighbor families that moved away while we were gone
Learned who lost jobs, who lost homes; where the new places were
Learned of two cancer diagnoses
One was fatal within days–one death, one funeral
Another is in Yangon awaiting surgery

I don’t wonder at all why this town makes me tired.

when ray boltz captures your thoughts exactly.

by Filed Under: kelli Leave a Comment

Being a product of a Christian home in the ’90s, I grew up loving Ray Boltz.

I also had (and still have) the problem of confusing two things that aren’t too much alike. So while I loved Ray Boltz, I often confused him with Acappella, who I didn’t like as much.

When I was about six years old, my parents & sisters went to Ray Boltz concert. I was asked if I wanted to go along, which I turned down, thinking of Acappella.  I instead opted to spend the night at my friend Shannon’s house.

I still remember being in Shannon’s kitchen when my parents came to pick me up and told me that it was a good concert. I remember them telling me he had played Thank You–my favorite song. I remember crying that I had missed it & my mom telling me she had given me the opportunity to go. I had made the choice, and I remember regretting that for so many years.

I might still today, particularly by the end of this post.

_______________

Fast forward twenty-five years: in early March, I found myself at the Kingdom Mission Fund Award Dinner, where they sang Thank You as we closed the evening.

Do you know the lyrics?

I dreamed I went to heaven and you were there with me;
We walked upon the streets of gold, beside the crystal sea.
We heard the angels singing, then someone called your name.
We turned and saw a young man running and he was smiling as he came.

And he said, “Friend, you may not know me now.” And then he said, “But wait–
You used to teach my Sunday school when I was only eight.
And every week you would say a prayer before the class would start.
And one day when you said that prayer, I asked Jesus in my heart.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed. 
Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am so glad you gave.

Then another man stood before you and said, “Remember the time–
A missionary came to your church and his pictures made you cry.
You didn’t have much money, but you gave it anyway.
Jesus took that gift you gave and that’s why I’m here today.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed. 
Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am so glad you gave.

One by one they came, far as the eye could see. 
Each life somehow touched by your generosity. 
Little things that you had done, sacrifices made–
Unnoticed on the earth; in heaven, now proclaimed.

And I know up in heaven you’re not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand and you stood before the Lord.
He said, “My child, look around you, great is your reward.”

Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed. 
Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am so glad you gave.

As they sang, we were standing in front of a group of people that have moved over $600,000 through the Kingdom Missions Fund, which has invested this money and used the returns to fund $235,000 into missions.

Some of that $235,000 has gone into our town and into our community for small missions projects and start ups. So I as looked around the room, I thought of what each little gift has meant to our community alone.

I thought of my parents, who sat across the room. They raised support for us to move to Little Rock in 1996; they have been financially supported to work at FamilyLife, to mentor individuals and couples, to fix cars, to host families, and so much more–for 21 years to date.

And because of those gifts, I had the childhood I had; I went to the university I went to. I met the husband I did, and we moved around the world into a small neighborhood in Mae Sot.

For over six years now we have been fully funded to live overseas in our little community. We have been fully funded to buy Band-Aids and start small businesses and help families get rice. We have been fully funded to sit down on the floor and read with little girls like Yaminoo and Musana. We’ve gotten to watch Lay Tah Oo grow from an 18-month-old toddler to a seven-year-old, right under our noses and often in our arms.

And how did we get to this little community in Mae Sot? Because in 2006 we both went on fully-supported missions trips. And in 2008, we spent the summer with Karen refugees that had just moved to America. We sent out letters and received donations for the summer that allowed us to spend every day under a big shady tree and teach ESL, paint, play games; help with medical needs; trying to fill in the gaps. (Really, we did what we do now: just smaller, and under a tree in Tennessee.)

During this trip, we returned to Tennessee, nine years later. We saw our friends, now with houses and cars and passports and degrees and careers. We saw them as Americans rather than refugees. They took up a gift for us–together, our friends donated over $1500 toward our community fund. They chose to give to their own people in our little neighborhood in Mae Sot.

So as they sang this song, I just couldn’t help but be tangled in the web.

It is a masterful web of generosity.

And from my perspective alone, it is incredible to think of how our generosity can reach the masses. How one persons gift can stretch miles and miles. How interconnected we are in our purposes.

The words of this song is so much of what I want to say to so many. It is beyond kitschy, but it is so true. I so ridiculously resonate with this chorus that I am still sad that I missed that concert!

I am surrounded and supported by this web. I am a product of generosity, and I’m thankful. And I hope that my neighbors are, too.

goodbyes & unknowns.

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This was probably the hardest it’s been to adjust to America.

Going from 90 and 100 degree days to 30 is just shocking to your system. Its a chill I can’t describe, where even being in Arkansas I didn’t really feel my toes until sometime in April.

The first week when we arrived, everything felt dry from the lack of humidity. I could feel my face cracking, my throat ripping, and my skin began to peel. One day scratched my ear and a piece of skin nearly the size of my ear flaked off into my hand.

This was the first time America felt like another planet. I felt I was an alien here—this place I used to consider home, and now my body couldn’t even adjust.

________________

But this also might be the hardest its ever been to leave America.

Being in the middle of the adoption process has placed so many unknowns in front of us. As we complete the process and are placed—hopefully in just a few months—we then will be in country for at least 18 months while we finalize the adoption. At best, this is a two year process, and at worst…well, more years than I’d like to admit.

And while we might be able to leave individually for an emergency, we won’t be able to leave with our baby, or have our families meet our baby (or meet theirs!) for a number of years.

Or we might not be placed at all.

Either way, we have no idea what 2017 has yet to hold, nor 2018 for that matter. We know we just said goodbyes to our family, friends, and mentors, likely for a few years. We don’t know if we’ll have a child in our home soon or not, what age it will be or gender, or even ethnicity or health. We don’t know who will be in our community when we return, or who will have moved to Bangkok or back to Burma. We don’t know what God has in store for the community, because the only consistency it has offered is surprises.

This seemed even more evident as we packed our bags, trying to fit in clothes for upwards of three years; guessing at what we might need. We packed in small baby gifts and fun items we’ve found for our little “bunny” on the way.

But with hope and expectation, there is always the room for loss and grieving–of the years we’ll be gone, of the unknowns ahead.

________________

The last night we were with my family in Little Rock, we played outside with my nieces and nephew. We played basketball and wrote with sidewalk chalk until they had to come in for showers and bed.

Stephen began playing songs for the kids on the piano, singing about the smells and needing to take showers, their pajamas, how their dad was tall playing basketball and was a prince..pal. The kids were rolling with laughter, and my little two year old niece kept saying, “‘Nother one! ‘Nother one!” as each song finished.

This led into all of us piled on the piano bench, bed, and floor—Stephen & I, my sister & her husband, and their four kids—singing worship songs as Stephen played. The kids sang oh-so-loudly that Holy Spirit you are welcome here; they even included some interpretive dance moves.

And then we sang Good, Good Father. The kids know it, so the little four-year-old, six-year-old, and seven-year old voices sang out about their good, good Father. I looked at their dad as he sat with them on the floor, and he is a good, good dad. I looked to Stephen, who is going to make such a good, good dad—hopefully soon. I thought of my dad, who I’d hug goodbye the next day, and he is a good, good dad. I looked to our Heavenly Father, and I know he is a good, good Dad.

And then I thought of our little neighborhood kids who know this song and sing along with us often. They are getting to know their good, good Father. And I thought of their good dads, who are need of their good Father.

And I knew we needed to go back.

Because as much as I’m probably not supposed to say this, I question it often—in the goodbyes and the missed birthdays; in the fundraising; in the middle of the domestic disputes; in the middle of my weakness; in our marriage and our futures; in big picture of the Kingdom or just doing good things. I question it all, so often, but packing bags and saying goodbyes and walking into unknowns just brings out all the questions in you.

But He is a good, good Father. And I wanted our little bunny—wherever, whoever, and whenever—to know Him. And I want our community to know Him.

You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are perfect in all your ways to us.

And somehow, while we cry and say goodbyes, He is perfect in all of His ways to us. And while toddlers become little girls over FaceTime, He is perfect in all of us His ways to us. Somehow, while we try to start a Breakfast Club so these kids don’t go to school hungry, He is perfect in all of His ways to us. Somehow, while we wait for our bunny to come to us, He is perfect in all of His ways to us.

#happytobehere: a few more.

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Categories, smattegories. It just doesn’t all fit that perfectly.

But here are a few more photos and moments I don’t want to forget.

I’m so glad we got to meet this girl and see her sweet smile. We’ll have two more nieces to meet next time we land!

Yeah, Little Rock still holds a place in our hearts. And we like photo ops!

We were able to attend and share at the Marked Conference in OKC, hosted by the organization we used to work with–The Spero Project. Guys, this event is absolutely incredible. They did such a great job portraying the reality of women, children, refugees, and poverty around the globe; and they certainly challenged the church with practical ways to change it. I’m so thankful for all they do to change the world.

And she’s the hero behind it all and happens to be my soulmate! I’m so thankful we had lunch eight years ago and that I was able to work with you for a short year; and I’m so thankful we keep in touch now. And I think I’m thankful we have so many quirky things in common.

And we got to see this sweet family, who is just more American than we could be.

We got to sit on their floor over games, fish, and rice; and it was just like coming home.

They also wanted to recreate a photo of Stephen & Moo from years ago! Here is from 2010:

And in 2017:

Throughout our time in the States, it was SO FUN to spend time with our nieces and nephews. There are so many of them–19 right now, 21 in just a few months!–and it just so much more fun to be there in person than over Skype.

It was also fun to see friends with new babies and in new homes and new jobs–just doing life. We were able to fly out to Pittsburgh to visit my college roommate and her family. It was so fun to just see them in their element and see how much had changed since their wedding, the last time we were home!

  Our trip out to Tennessee was also great. We spent a summer working with the newly resettled Karen in Smyrna, Tennessee, in 2008. Many of the families had just landed that year and were sorting out so many things of life in America. We played with the kids, taught English, went to doctor visits, played games, and just had all the fun in the world.

This time, we saw them all 9 years later–at a party they all drove to and brought all their kids and families to. They all own houses and have careers and are going to university. We sat around for hours chatting and sharing stories–from Tennessee and Mae La; from how our lives now are like theirs were.

We watched a slideshow of all our photos from that summer, while the kids tried to identify who was who and laughed at how much had changed. It was so much fun.

Some families & individuals will just always inspire you, and these are some of them.

 Throughout the party, we were given many envelopes from different families who were giving their tithe to our community in Mae Sot. We were so honored to be blessed by them, and then even more surprised when we counted up thousands of dollars at the end of the day. It was just incredible to see their generosity, their love for their country, and their support of our lives there. Just, WOW.

And last–this was just fun. This was a crazy full day at Fritz’s Adventure Park that involved lots of slides and obstacle courses and climbing walls. All the adults left with a few injuries, but it was fun!

Perhaps that’s how we can sum up America: it was fun! We were definitely #happytobehere.