kelli – Page 23

on sabbath.

December 12, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, stephen Leave a Comment

So we try to take a Sabbath every Monday.

We do our best to say no to all requests in the community, particularly if they are not urgent. However, there are always things that come up. Last week, there was Chit Oo, who really needed to be admitted to the hospital as soon as possible, as he was at risk of dying. His phone had been disconnected and I could not find him for every effort over the weekend. Of course he showed up on our doorstep on Monday morning.

This week I need to take San Aye to the first training for her new job. And since we’ve been working with her to get this job for weeks and its such an answer to prayer, I’ll be taking her tomorrow morning, despite it being a Monday.

As Stephen and I talked about it this morning, we talked about the Pharisees challenging Jesus healing on the Sabbath, and how he argues for your son or ox falling in a well: would you not rescue them? We talked about how it was probably best to help San Aye with this with all that’s gone on in her life recently.

But then Stephen noted, “What I don’t know is what we do if we live by all the wells and all the oxen. There is always something falling into the well on Sabbath!”

captured.

December 1, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: housewares, kelli, on the house, stephen 2 Comments

It is really difficult to capture what we do and why we live here. Sometimes I’m not sure I know the answers to those questions, which just complicates putting them into words for others, or perhaps into words in other languages.

Recently, following a heartbreaking domestic abuse situation, one of our close friends was left with a swollen face, a newborn baby girl, and without a front tooth. She was discouraged for so many reasons, not withstanding the affair that led to this; that her husband refused to hold her new baby girl, he was refusing to feed her and the two kids, and she was feeling like she couldn’t get a job without a tooth and being illiterate.

So we have visited her and sat with her often over the past few weeks, attempting to both mourn with her and ensure her physical needs were met by sneaking her money for food.

Somewhere along the way, Stephen and I started talking about getting her tooth replaced: what the expenses would be, as well as the aftermath–how many people would know how much we spent on it? How it would affect community hierarchies and friendships? When do we say yes and when do we say no?

In the end, we decided to say yes to this one. It required two trips to a dentist that lived out in the middle of nowhere but did speak Burmese. It required me to be the dental assistant for the first trip, a three-hour visit of grinding down teeth that wasn’t my favorite. It felt a little outside of the norm for us–not an obvious need, but a felt need all the same.

As we left the second visit, she seemed unsure. It looked far better than I could have ever imagined, but even as I gushed over how beautiful she looked, she seemed skeptical.

I started to wonder if it was worth it–the money, the time, the effects in the community; even the discomfort of having water (and who knows what else) sprayed all over me from the dentist’s chair!

But the next day, I saw her standing outside in the road–she was holding her baby, dressed in all yellow. She looked gorgeous, laughing with her friends and chatting. When I approached, she smiled broader than I have seen since…well, since her world fell apart. She was the San Aye I remember–so confident and friendly.

Her two friends were complimenting how beautiful she looked, and I have heard that many times this week. Not one person has asked us how much it cost or why we helped her. She has been around nearly every day–outside and chatting with friends, where I’ve previously only found her at home, hiding inside.

I really couldn’t be happier. I’m not sure we could have spent that money better. I feel like she got a glimpse of love–that she is seen and known and loved, even when it feels like everything is falling apart. Someone is putting the pieces back together.

We’ve told her that our church and friends from church give us the money to do things like this. When she tells me she is ashamed for us to help because its so expensive, I tell her not to be ashamed to us–it’s a gift from my friends! It’s a gift from the church!

It’s because Jesus sees you and loves you.

I asked her later if Stephen could take a photo of her so we could show the “friends who bought her tooth” how beautiful she looked. That’s mostly all of you, collectively, making our lives here possible, the purchase of this tooth possible, and even her food over these challenging weeks.

And at this photo, I think it’s captured. In some ways it is just some money for rice and a new tooth. But in other ways, this is so much of what we hope for–everything that her smile says.

We also caught a photo at the end of our sewing training, just a week later. She is the one with the biggest smile! There is so much for her to be proud of.

mountain day.

December 1, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, photos Leave a Comment

And yet another day in Hpa-an, we climbed a mountain!

It’s called Zwekabin Mountain, and it’s the largest in the region–famous to all of our neighbors. Adam, Stephen & I were keen to climb, but Nu and every other Burmese person we talked to generally chuckled, and said, “Oh, I’ve done that already.” Nu later said, “You do it once for the experience, and twice because it’s really beautiful. But if you do it three times, you’re crazy.”

We started one day about 6:45am, and began trudging up the steps. Again, both Thailand & Burma love to take very beautiful places and cover them in gold and concrete. So the way up was extremely steep concrete steps.

Here is a photo before we melted from the heat, so pretty much just after we started.

After this, we weren’t fit for photos. But we did continue to climb, all 3600+ steps. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have chosen to do that with as sick as I was feeling, but hey–you only live once!

And the views were stunning!

There were hoards of monkeys all over at the top of the mountain. They were very friendly, walking with us and mostly waiting for us to drop something of value. They did manage to steal a can of pseudo-Gatorade from Adam.

After a rest at the top, we headed down the other side, which was a more pleasant hike. It was more of a natural path with rocks, rather than concreted steps. And still the amazing views on every side!

beach day.

November 30, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, photos Leave a Comment

One day while we were in Hpa-an, Nu and her friends arranged a trip to the beach.

This is what we were told: it’s about three hours away, and then we’ll drive back that night. We’re leaving at 6am.

When I suggested bringing my swimsuit, Nu said they would probably all just swim in their clothes. At that, I decided to leave mine behind and wore jeans and a t-shirt that seemed “swimmable.” Stephen still wore his swim trunks and a t-shirt, since it’s pretty similar to his usual shorts.

When we came out in the morning at 6am, Nu was wearing a nice top–like black and flowy and fancy. It had sparkles. (It should be noted at that Adam was with us, dressed similarly. It was a cultural miscommunication, to be sure.) Stephen & I looked at each other, looking more prepared for what we’d call “a beach day” and 6+hours in the car; we decided we just had to go with it, particularly after asking a few questions and not really following the answers.

We left the house at 6am & left town at 8:30am, with 13 people in a huge van, trekking our way across Burma.

We drove for a few hours, and pulled up to the Death Railway Museum. We felt a bit underdressed, but went with it.

Turns out, it wasn’t really for the history–which was minimal, with three panes of info and about ten blurry photos. Instead, it was for the selfies. The entire place was built for selfies: selfies with trains, selfies with Japanese soldier statues, selfies with 3D art railroad scenes…it was for selfies.

Then we hopped back in the car and drove a bit further. A bit.

And stopped for lunch.

And got back in the car, for a very, very small bit we could have walked. And stopped at a World War II memorial cemetery, where we now we felt really underdressed.

Turns out this was for selfies, too, which took some adjustment. Culturally, you know what cemeteries are stateside, particularly memorial cemeteries. Instead, we watched friends climb into trees and pose by statues, or another group had a picnic.

We now understood why Nu wore a nice top. It was selfie day. So I’m in a whole lot of selfies with my hair thrown up on my head and a t-shirt on.

We did make it to the beach about 3:30pm.

The views around the beach were beautiful, with so many mountains on every other side.

The water was…a little murky and fishy.

The people were…very,very modest. Everyone was fully clothed and then some. They were also fairly fearful of the water, so no one was in more than a few feet of water. Adam & Stephen went out to chest level–after wearing swimsuits all day they wanted to make it worth it!–and received comments from every passerby.

I think these are the cutest bicycles made for two I’ve ever seen!

We stayed at the beach for a little over an hour. Then everybody changed clothes, we watched the sunset, and we went home. So though it wasn’t what we expected, it was a nice day!

cave day.

November 29, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, photos Leave a Comment

One of the days in Hpa-An we visited a local cave. Both Burma & Thailand are infamous for taking beautiful, beautiful places and covering them in gold and concrete for temples. This was in some ways the same: we arrived to a temple and walked through a lot of gold, some blinking LED lights, and other things I might personally label “gaudy.” I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The cave was absolutely incredible, though. We walked about a mile underground, up and down through this ginormous cave.

The end of the cave opened up into a beautiful lake that fed into the rice paddies. There were long tail boats waiting that you could hire to paddle you across the lake, through another cave, and down through the rice paddies.

This was probably my favorite part of our trip! It was stunningly beautiful, and long tail boats always feel whimsical! It’s the Burmese version of a gondola on it’s way through Venice.

home.

November 29, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, photos Leave a Comment

In Sleepless in Seattle Tom Hanks describes meeting his wife, “It was like coming home, only to no home I’d ever known before.” Really, I always thought this was a stretch of a line. What does that even mean?

A few weeks ago we went with friends to Hpa-an, the city that our friend Nu grew up in. It’s also in the same area as most of our neighbors are from in Burma, and a place we’ve wanted to visit for awhile.

We drove across the border here in Mae Sot and hired a car & driver (which cost $30 for all five of of us!) to take us the three hours to Hpa-an. And for the first few days, all I could think was, How does this feel like home? How does a place I’ve never been feel so much like home?

So it was like coming home, to no home we’d ever known before.

But a home where we could speak the language–and there was only really one, which is an indescribable treat coming from Mae Sot! We could read signs and follow conversations.

It was like our street and our neighborhood–our favorite place in Mae Sot–exploded into an entire city and country. And now, they even have stores and businesses and streets and cars and churches. They can travel freely, as legals, and we can visit places and go out to eat.

We spent much of the week with Nu’s family and friends. And in some ways, we were the poor ones. They were treating us to meals and taking us to nice restaurants; they organized a trip to the beach!

It was surreal in many ways, and in all ways it was just lovely.

First, we love Adam and Nu & their daughter, Esther, so that made for a fun trip. We also really like Esther’s little voice calling us Oo Oo Stephen & Daw Daw Kelli, which is Uncle & Auntie. Hoping that spreads into this community, because it’s adorable.

Nu’s parents house was a beautiful, teak house, raised off the ground. The bottom level was dirt and for the practicalities of laundry; the top floor was for sleeping and cooking. While it was hot, we did have pretty consistent electricity and a fan.

We did have to work pretty hard for water: there was a well on the other side of the property, which I know in my head wasn’t really that far. In the morning and sometimes evening, I’d put on my sarong & Stephen his longyi or shorts, and we’d start carting water with buckets. We’d use a pulley and carrying two buckets at a time across the yard and through the trees to the house, filling two large storage buckets. After a number of trips, they were full; we’d start laundry. Laundry–by the inexperienced hand, at least–takes a whole lot of water. It also works up a sweat. And once you’ve finished laundry, you need to haul more water for showers. And then you shower, in your longyi, in the yard. It’s not easy.

But the well also becomes a sort of Burmese water cooler, where a lot of conversations seem to take place.

I also loved Nu’s great advice for us while we shower: Watch out for falling coconuts. When I asked how we should know they were coming, she said you can’t–they just fall quickly and randomly, and there’s really nothing you can do. I feel like it was really more of a vocalized waiver.

Another highlight was when her parents bought their first fridge. It was delivered to the house, where Stephen then strapped it on his back and carried it up the stairs. We were all impressed 🙂

We spent many days with Nu’s friends from university, and one of them had the cutest little son a little older than Esther. How cute is he taking her around on his bicycle?!

We enjoyed a few very Burmese-esque experiences, which we are adapting to very well, if I may say so myself.

These were some hilarious go-cart-like machines that moved very, very slowly. They also spoke only Chinese. But the kids were impressed!

Hpa-an was really beautiful. We loved going out in the mornings for a walk to the market and catch the sunrise along the rice paddies.

We had a few specific adventure days, so I’ll capture those in a few more posts!

on the sidelines.

November 9, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: house calls, house church, housewares, kelli, photos, playhouse 1 Comment

These are the {many} sidelines and side stories of the past few weeks.

It is still one of my favorite things to see the kids pour over books in our house.

Castles have taken on popularity: in drawing, in building, in discussion. I also love how freshly showered and tanaka-ed kids look a bit scary!

Go Fish is still extremely popular. Since they can’t read or pronounce the fish names in English–and in Burmese it gets challenging to describe the type of fish–we simply hold out the card we want and say, “{Name}, do you have it?”

This week, 8-year-old Jorgee decided to switch to English, without asking how to say it in English. He now holds up his card, and asks, “ARE YOU OKAY?” If they shake their head no, he shouts, “I DON’T KNOW!”

This is enough to make me shake with laughter while we play.

We have also had more and more women joining for Open House in the afternoons. Sometimes they come to let their young babies play, and sometimes they come to play themselves! We had a group of four moms and grandmothers playing Go Fish on the floor the other day!

We added Minecraft to the computers, and the kids love it! It’s pretty cool to see them learning the mouse and how to get around; and problem-solving themselves since we don’t know much about it.

We also had three broken arms in two weeks!

One was an older woman from a falling coconut; another was this little boy playing at his house. Sadly, yet another was a young girl playing on our playset, when the tire and wood bar fell on her. When I found myself back at the orthopedist for the third time in two weeks, I gave the name and age, and where they live:
“Really? The same? All near you?”

I got to visit these two cuties every morning for two weeks while changing bandages in the family. Noted: when you need to change bandages on gruesome wounds for days on end, make sure there are cute kids to brighten your day following.

We are trekking off to Burmese church each week still, which is in fact an event! We have a family attending regularly and a steady group of teenagers that are interested. And some weeks–like this one–we are nearly half the church. We had thirteen older kids, six adults and two babies! I also had a meeting that evening about an upcoming friends’ wedding I’m helping to coordinate, so Stephen drove and coordinated all 21 attendees himself 😳

They still do such a great job with the kids’ program in the afternoon, and this week was one of my favorites. It was a song about helping each other and giving hugs to each other, and it was adorable.

He was pretty adorable, too.

Flour & Flowers is exploding, and we are finding ourselves looking at how to handle the growth in coming months. For now, we are starting earlier in the days (7am most weeks; 5:30am on cinnamon roll weeks!) and going later into the evenings with deliveries. It is pretty amazing to see, because we certainly can’t take credit for it and just didn’t know it’d grow like this. But God is providing ideas and people and words and capacities, and we are thankful.

And then this week it truly exploded: while we were making cinnamon rolls, the honey on my shelf exploded. ALL OVER. As if our kitchen wasn’t crazy enough!

The rest of house stays pretty crazy, too, while the “older kids”–aged five to eleven–help with the babies. Sometimes it involves putting them in baskets and taking them for rides around the tile floor!

And recently we’re having trouble keeping the new walkers away from the ovens! Two tiny burnt hands that required popsicles to ice them down 😞

We still make plenty of trips to the clinic (Mae Tao, or MT for Stephen & I), & sometimes it goes smoother than others. Here was our text string the other day, admiring timely patients!

And then we found ourselves at a new dentist this week, to take our friend to get a tooth replacement after the recent domestic violence. It was quite an adventure that involved us meeting the dentist on the side of the road to follow him out to his house, which is why Stephen join the two of us women! And thankfully Stephen was there to take the baby, as I was asked to fill in for his dental assistant that was away.

😳😳😳

Our lives are so ridiculous. Sometimes in the middle of a situation I find my mind reeling backward to sort out how exactly I found myself here. {Was it when I agreed to pick up the water-sucker-tool? No, no; you were in long before that…} But, it was a great way to have a hand on her shoulder in the midst of challenging season and uncomfortable morning.

The sidelines are crowded, folks! Too many stories to tell 😀

finding her.

November 8, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, on the house, photos, playhouse Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago I wrote about sweet Musana moving away to Bangkok unexpectedly. Since we had our anniversary trip to Bangkok already scheduled, we started thinking about the idea of finding her.

We’ve tried this before with another young girl in the community, and it didn’t work. Because of this, I tried very hard to hold it at arms length–leaving a day for it in our schedule, thinking of gifts to bring her, hoping to see her; but allowing for a day spent going nowhere, making sure the gifts could go to others, and know that it might be a disappointing day. And also knowing that even if we found her, it might be hard–for her, for us.

But we knew we had to try.

We have a phone for her and chat with her sometimes, so we called before we left and had our friend Nu translate for us. We learned they lived outside of Bangkok, either in Ratchaburi or Lopburi, which in Burmese sound the same and are three hours in opposite directions outside of Bangkok. We knew a few key words, but we were unsure where to go first and how best to get there.

Once in Bangkok, I went to the front desk at our hotel and asked for help. I explained that we were looking for our Burmese friend, who lived in one of these two places. The women said she’d be happy to help–she was from one of those areas and her boyfriend was from the other, so she knew them well. I called Musana and asked in Burmese if her mom could speak to the front desk and explain in Thai where they live and how to get there. The sweet lady talked a few minutes and then spent over an hour with me, mapping it out and explaining each step. She wrote out the directions in English and Thai, and was such a huge help.

We left the hotel at 7am. We grabbed some gifts at a Tesco down the street, and then got on the elevated train at 7:35am.

7:35am – 8:30am on elevated train
8:30am – taxi to bus terminal
9:00am – 10:15am in van to a nearby province
10:15am – walked to a nearby pharmacy, because I had yet another eye infection; had lunch, since we weren’t sure what was coming
11:30am – motorcycle taxi to another bus terminal

*Here we were told the next bus leaves at 12:45pm, which seems a long time to wait for what we have ahead of us (getting there and getting back!). We ask if there are other options and they say no, so we sit down and pull out our books. In less than five minutes, they come over, rushing us onto the bus–Come on! Going!–and we get on without paying, and we’ve left within a few minutes. Not sure if they told us wrong, or if they changed the bus schedule for us?!

We arrive into the town at 12:45pm, and bus drops us off at the hospital, where we are supposed to meet Musana’s mom. Instead of meeting us, she gives instructions to a motorcycle taxi driver, who refuses to let us take two taxis, putting all three of us on the same little motorbike. We looked absolutely ridiculous.

He drives us down the road a bit and into a nearby community–a wealthy community. There are nice new Mercedes and huge new houses; we’re not sure where we’re headed. We turn around the corner and see them waiting–Musana and her mom; and Musana starts jumping up and down.

So much fun.

It worked! And I’m not sure any of us could believe it. We were hours from anything any of us know, in a little shanty town community in the middle of this newly constructed neighborhood, and here was Musana with her mom, step-dad, and step-sister.

I’m confident her mom was very confused as to why two white adults spent five hours finding her daughter, and why we brought coloring books and puzzles with us. But we chatted about the neighborhood and what they did for a living; how long we had lived in Mae Sot and how everyone was doing. Musana told her mom I was 28 and I’d be having a baby by the time I was 30; she hadn’t forgotten yet!

We made a puzzle doll house together, and played the rock game that Musana loves.

I’m not sure I can explain how good it was and how much of a gift it was to all of us. We had such fun seeing her and laughing with her; seeing her smile. It was so good to see her in what is really a more stable situation, with some meat on her bones and a fridge full of fruits & veggies (and a fridge itself!).

We also loved just letting her know we loved her enough to find her; that she isn’t forgotten or lost. That she can call and we can visit; and that it’s all going to be okay. We showed her pictures of her cousin and family in Mae Sot, and then took pictures of her back to Mae Sot, which the whole community loved.

The past few weeks have been hard. There is so much instability anyway, and when things shift like this, you can see everyone questioning it. We see her cousin, who won’t let his grandmother out of sight, but then panics when we are. We see him cry when we say we are going to Bangkok, which to him is just a black hole that eats people he loves.

We see the other kids wonder if she’ll be coming back, or who will be leaving next, or even if they’ll have to leave what they know. We see the parents and grandparents wonder when their worlds will shift and if they can do anything about it.

And then we got to let everyone see that it’s okay. While Musana is somewhere else, she can still call and we can visit. She is still okay and with family.

Sometimes I am amazed how much of our life is long, extensive, weird efforts to say: You are seen. You are valuable. To us, yes, but ultimately to Christ. So many miracles had to have happened for us to get to Musana, and yet they did. They all fell into place, because He wanted all of us to know that she is seen & valuable. He hasn’t forgotten any of us in this blender of brokenness.

Thankfully, the ride home was shorter. The first time, we were basically sent to the state capital and then on to the town, which was considerably out of the way. On the way back we went directly from the town she lives in to Bangkok, which made it a little over two hours, and hopefully much more possible again!

So, $33.47 in gifts and $27.18 on five forms of transport and one long day in “Bangkok”–priceless hours with a friend.

a river to skate away on.

November 8, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: kelli, photos 1 Comment

Last week, we skated away to Bangkok for a few days to celebrate our anniversary (7 years!) and breathe.

In case you haven’t noticed, we need some space in our lives for breathing, and we’re working it in. {Not without effort! Last week we attempted an escape to camp one night away, but found our tent flooded before 3pm and we ended up at home drying off sleeping bags, a tent, and all our gear that was yet unused and wet. Apparently rainy season is not yet over.}

Bangkok is becoming our friend, offering anonymity, delicious Western food, coffee shops, used bookstores, clothes that fit…

We also visited IKEA, which I love and hate. I usually love it when I first walk in, because the possibilities are endless. By the middle, I wonder why I live where I do, when I could live in a house and country that allows for such nice, soft things and an item to creatively solve every minuscule problem. And by the end, I just want out and to go back home, to little mom and pop stores and real world problems that new pillows won’t solve. And IKEA really is that big, that I can experience this slew of emotions in one stop and have it autocorrect every time I type it in lowercase letters. Wow.

We did both nearly lose it in the Christmas section, because we might be the most homesick we’ve ever been right now. So we took a picture of the warm coziness that is Western holidays. Because sometimes the river you skate away on is just Christmas decor in a superstore!

For our anniversary gift, we went on a 60-kilometer bike tour outside of Bangkok. It started as we biked through the city in the midst of morning traffic–us and our guide on three bicycles on a six-lane roundabout at one point; at another point Stephen looked back and saw just a bus, who had squeezed into the bike lane between us. It was not for the faint of heart.

We made our way to the train station and then caught a commuter train out of the city to Mahachai.

Trains are such a great way to see a place! I loved seeing the variation of rural & urban; the wealth in Bangkok compared to the poverty.

Mahachai is a fishing town along the ocean, full of fisheries and farms, often worked by Burmese laborers, we learned.

It was a really beautiful bike ride along the ocean and on trails outside of the city. We had fresh seafood for lunch. We also took a ferry somewhere in there, which is another very fun way to make your way around a city.

In the afternoon we stopped at a sea salt farm, where we got to see and learn how they gather sea salt from the ocean.

This is all done by Burmese workers, who we got to chat with and loved that we knew Burmese and live in Mae Sot.

And it looked like snow!

We really loved the tour, loved meeting some more Burmese friends, and loved seeing more perspectives of Thailand.

We also took a night out in Bangkok to listen to live jazz! It was such a fun trip to celebrate seven years together, with six spent here in Thailand!

darkness.

October 25, 2016 by Stephen & Kelli Spurlock Filed Under: house calls, kelli, on the house 4 Comments

It’s been so dark lately.

I keep hoping it will subside, that the light will break through. That would be a better place to write from. But then more darkness comes.

I can’t really capture it all, the ins and outs of different fronts, different battles, different darknesses.

There was another stabbing in our community. This was both our fourth & fifth stab victim. They went to the hospital by a hired cart, so we actually have only been helping transport family to and from the hospital and now in re-bandaging wounds daily.

Have you ever seen a stab wound? They are traumatizing. Even when I heard about it that afternoon, I could see all the others so clearly in my mind, all over again.

This time a number of the kids saw it, as it was around 3pm. One of the kids said she cried when she saw it. Is that okay? she asked.

Sometime on Tuesday I began to ask myself, Where do we live? Really, WHERE DO WE LIVE? How did I get here?

First you’re playing football in the street. You feel sorry for the poor children that surround you. You are trying to learn language and make a difference in their futures. You are hopeful.

And then you are sitting next to your nurse friend, who is helping you bandage these wounds. I hear myself tell her, I usually do it this way, as I wrap up the gauze I’m holding, it worked well with the other stabbings, so that the bandages didn’t stick. Is this okay to do? And she tells you, I don’t know. You know more about stabbings than I do.

And while you’re changing this bandage, you are sitting next to a three year old, a two year old, and a six-month-old, who have now all seen their uncle and their dad’s stab wounds. And they just lost their 11-year-old caregiver and friend last week when she moved to Bangkok. And they start to cry when you leave and tell them bye; and you’re trying to convince them it’s okay, you’ll be back. I know; she didn’t come back, but I will. It’s going to be okay.

But you’re kind of wondering if it is.

Is it going to be okay for this three-year-old that has reverted back even further in development since he lost his primary caregiver? What is he going to grow up to be? How do we prevent him from becoming a victim, too, or a knife-wielding attacker, for that matter?

Is it going to be okay for the abuse victim I went to see this week? I learned her husband isn’t talking to her; he won’t hold the baby because it isn’t the gender he wanted; and he’s not giving her enough food. She’s hungry. Now we’re sneaking money to her so she can buy her own food; we’re trying to create a job for her. I tell her to come tell us if she needs anything, if he tries to hurt her; it’s going to be okay. But I find myself wondering if it will be.

Or the eight people that came to tell us this week that they don’t have work. Is it going to be okay for them?

Or us–is it going to be okay for us?

The days when you aren’t sure how you got here, or when stab wounds became normal. The days when your dearest friends are desperate for food. The days when your dearest friends take advantage of you. The days when the nightmares come back and you think that what you’ve seen may haunt you forever. The days when you see the weight in your own eyes staring back in the mirror.

Is it going to be okay for us?

I keep reading these encouraging verses–about God’s goodness, about his burden that is light, his yoke that is easy; about him answering prayers and giving good gifts. Perhaps if I meditate on them again, perhaps I will see something differently. Perhaps it just won’t hurt this badly. Perhaps the light will break through.