long pauses.

See all these long pauses?

I write a little snippet here and a little snippet there, but honestly, I’m leaving out some wonderful stories in between. And some horrible ones, too. I keep pausing.

And today, I asked myself why. Why I am not writing anymore?

I’m fearful. I’m chickening out–what to say, how to say it, how it will be read. Thankfully, fear destroying my blogging life is a small loss. Life continues whether I blog or not.

But the problem is much greater. I’m realizing that fear is consuming other areas of my life and heart.

I’m fearful of the decisions Stephen and I are currently making: that we’ll make them wrong, that we will ask the wrong questions; that we will be foolish or impatient or slow or selfish. I’m fearful for our marriage, that we will struggle and not recover, that we will create negative cycles, that I will fail. I’m fearful that God won’t provide for our finances–for today, for this year, or for later in life.  I’m fearful of myself: the sin I am capable of, the mistakes I am making; the choices and responses I have every day.

We have spent the past few days in Chiang Mai, where we had some good meetings, albeit challenging. We had one meeting in particular yesterday that went really well, honestly. God answered some big prayers and we both left optimistic. But even in my optimism, I told Stephen in a skeptical tone that I was “maybe even a little bit optimistic.” Even in my hope, I am fearful.

Due to these meetings being had, we have some big decisions in front of us this week. And even as I think of them, fear overcomes me.

So we are praying against fear, and I wanted to ask you to pray that with us. I know, we have asked this so much recently. I am still asking. Please pray that we, and particularly I, would be trusting.  Please pray for wisdom in the decisions being made. We are particularly praying that we would “be wise as serpents and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).

May the long pauses end soon and may trust envelope us.