special order.

This past Saturday, Stephen and I headed out early to scour the clothing stores of Mae Sot. We walked the “downtown area”–it’s called this locally, but I really think it’s quite a stretch from any picture in your mind that phrase creates–and promised to go in each store that had clothes, no matter how unpromising it seemed.

We were on the hunt for a bridesmaids dress to be Skyped in to my best friend’s wedding. The criteria: gray dress that fit.

Harder than it seems.

Dresses aren’t too common around town, really. And once you find a dress, gray–without sequins, writing, or other embellishments–is rare. And then to future complicate it all, my size is entirely too much to ask for, apparently.

Let’s just say there were significant amounts of laughter when I asked for this dress in another color or this dress in another size.

I did find two things while we were out, both of which were purchased in size extra large.

Thus, a special order was made today. My sweet friend, Yim, came with me to the shop today and helped order a dress.

It was shockingly quick. I brought in a photo from online, she looked at it and said she could make it. When I asked for gray fabric, I had two to choose from: one that was business-like almost tweed texture, and another that was silky & shiny. Silkier & shinier than I usually choose, mind you, but the winner all the same.

She then measured me quickly, and we discussed a few technicalities.

And it should be ready 25 July, just five days before the wedding. And if all goes according to plan, it will be gray, fitting, lovely, and $33–not cheap for Mae Sot, but cheaper than ordering a dress from America and having it shipped to Mae Sot!

I can’t believe this girl is getting married in just 19 days.

And more than that, I really can’t believe I’m not going to be there for it.

I’ve been dreaming about it recently. I have had quite a few dreams where I’m at her wedding or talking with her about it. I’ve even had one dream where I was at another friends wedding and thinking in my mind that I would rather have been at Laurel’s.

And now, the decision that was hard to make three months ago is only getting harder.

I was really sure this was what was best. We knew we’d miss out on things. We knew that this wouldn’t be easy.  We knew we didn’t have the money to go back this soon. We knew it wasn’t wise and would make this whole process of adjusting just that much harder.

But as I ordered that dress today, I began to wonder if I’ll regret not being there. If I’ll regret trying to make the wise decision.

Would it be unwise? Or would it be loving well?  Would it be trusting?

Were there times that Jesus loving people looked unwise?

[And maybe there were, and maybe I’m still not supposed to be there.]

I’m really not sure. And I’m not sure what my not knowing can do but simply admit that this is going to be hard.

And that it’s only the beginning.