We are preparing for a 4th of July party this year. Last year, we almost forgot about it but remembered to enjoy root beer floats before it passed us by. This year, we’re having a party for some Americans, with a Canadian thrown in there, too. And the cake is going to be spectacular; but more on that later.

In the midst of quite a lot of reading and research, I am finding that this year I am increasingly grateful for two things:

First, I am so thankful I was born and raised in America. Though many things have been done wrong, many things have been done right, too. My passport is an amazing tool that allows me to be here and be protected. My government has, although not always successfully, actually worked for the good of the people, including me.

Second, I am so thankful that America, or any democracy for that matter, is not it. I am so thankful that flawed humans and flawed systems that try to protect us from the flawed humans are not the end: instead, there is a Kingdom coming that is so much greater. A Kingdom of love is coming. There is a Kingdom coming that presents true equality, something we can’t even wrap our heads around amidst this mess. I am so thankful that there is something to yearn for.

Really, I’m thankful for the country I grew up in as an interim option. I’m more thankful for the Kingdom I’m citizen to that gives far greater promises. And keeps them, for that matter.

And all of this thinking led me back to the oppressed and the oppressor, and how I’m always one of them.  As I think over a variety of situations, if I leave feeling successful, it’s because I’m the oppressor, or at least a small part of the oppression. Likewise, the times I feel trapped or frustrated at the situation, it is because I am on the side of the oppressed of a system or individual.

For example: I love shopping and finding a good deal. But when I come home with a steal, someone is losing. Probably the cheap labor on my street here in Thailand, or perhaps the check-out staff that are struggling to get by on minimum wage.

As I think about the times I feel trapped under a heavy hand or taken advantage of, I think of flying home. I don’t have the freedom to fly home when I want, be it for Partners’ policy on time off or finances to pay the plane ticket. But Partners’ policy is written because of those who will take advantage of it, and that includes me. It’s preventing the oppressors and oppressing others in the process. And the expensive plane ticket? That’s the oppression of capitalism, and it gets us every day. Someone is making bank, and some of us can’t afford to keep up.

Or in the market, sometimes I know I’m being taken advantage of. I know I’m being overcharged because it’s assumed that my white skin comes along with money. And I leave oppressed, because someone else is taking advantage of my position.

Ultimately, I suppose we are all trying to come out on top, as the oppressor. But sometimes, we lose. We are oppressed. But when the opportunity comes around again, we try again to force the oppression upon the next person.

And now I’m just amazed at these systems. I’m amazed at capitalism, and how much it controls us: we are spending money every day; we are producing and consuming in a way that intentionally has winners and losers. It requires that one be oppressed and the other one oppressing.

“When we truly discover love, capitalism will not be possible
and Marxism will not be necessary.”
Will O’Brien

I’m amazed that we establish government to bring some level of control to our chaos, however abusive such control may be. We create systems of democracy that are designed to protect us as humans from ourselves.

“You may think all men so good that they deserve a share in government of the commonwealth, and so wise that the commonwealth needs their advice. That is, in my opinion, the false, romantic doctrine of democracy.

On the other hand, you may believe fallen men to be so wicked that not one of them can be trusted with any irresponsible power over his own fellows. That I believe to be the true ground of democracy. 

I do not believe that God created an egalitarian world. I believe the authority of parent over child, husband over wife, learned over simple to have been as much a part of the original plan as the authority of man over beast. I believe that if we had not fallen, Filmer would be right, and patriarchal monarchy would be the sole lawful government. But since we have learned sin, we have found, as Lord Acton says, that ‘all power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ The only remedy has been to take away the powers and substitute a legal fiction of equality. 

The authority of a father and husband has been rightly abolished on the legal plane, not because this authority is in itself bad (on the contrary, it is, I hold, divine in origin), but because fathers and husbands are bad. Theocracy has been rightly abolished because it is bad that learned priests should govern ignorant laymen, but because priests are wicked men like the rest of us. Even the authority of man over beast has had to be interfered with because it is constantly abused.”
C.S. Lewis

And then I dream of heaven because this isn’t it, by any stretch of the imagination. This isn’t the end, and we weren’t designed for this. I’m aching for something else.

I was dreaming yesterday of a world with no money. No money and no capitalism. And thus, no one coming out on top and no one suffering in oppression.

Or true equality? What if we truly experienced equality of all races, ethnicities, social classes, and backgrounds?

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You, you may say 
I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one
I hope some day you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

“Imagine” by John Lennon

…your shaving cream choices are lime or menthol.

We are up at the office this Saturday. I’m working on my curriculum and writing some blogs, while Stephen is working a recording project. A friend of ours is headed back home for a few months, and he wrote some songs for a girl he’s dating. Very sweet. Stephen helped him record them last weekend, and he’s mixing them now to have them ready on Monday.

This morning, he started mixing the guitar parts. It was pretty quiet, and I was wondering why this used to annoy me.

And then he got to the lyrics, where I hear this:

So we’re going to…
So we’re goi…
So we…
So…
…we’re going…
…to Adelaide…
So we’re going to…

After twenty minutes passes, I’m suddenly very aware of why this annoys me, and out comes my iPod shuffle. I prefer to hear the whole song, or at least the whole line.

The following conversation ensues:

K: “Oops. I left it on.”
S: “Is it dead?”
K: “No. …I really like having a shuffle. It’s pretty great.”
S: “It is great. There’s no screen to click the wrong place; the battery lasts forever. You can’t accidentally delete things. It just works. It’s perfect for you.”
K: “Hey–just ’cause I’m not a tech guru doesn’t mean I’m an oaf. I’m a book nerd but I don’t call you an oaf. You can still read.”
S: “I’m not calling you an oof, and I’m not sure you don’t call me a book oof.”
K: “A what?”

The past few weeks have been heavy with prayer. I have been trying to write or to capture it in some way, but it has been slow coming.

We have been searching. We have been asking for so much wisdom, so much grace. We are learning our weaknesses, our limits, our failures. We are praying through fears and lies and frustrations.

“For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.”
Psalm 103:14

I’m still fairly sure this blog won’t capture it and will definitely lack conclusion, but I can say that we have honestly been praying. We really want to be wise, despite our young age and limited experience, and we are praying for that wisdom. We want to be wise in our roles at Partners, with our time, with our friendships to those we can speak to, and our friendships with those we can’t.

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As I’ve mentioned many times, our neighborhood is one of my favorite aspects of our life here. But it is draining. I am just on the beginning stage of formulating Karen in sentences, and the little family that knows Karen is so patient with us to come, speak simply and slowly, and try to befriend us, even when she has to repeat her kindergarten-level sentences. I’m burning to spend more time studying and practicing Karen; I’m burning to move on to study Burmese. I want to be more available to spend time with our sweet friends, rather than squeezed in hugs and conversations amidst life.

_____________

When Yuh Meh Oo broke her finger a few months back, we tried to take her to the hospital. The adults said it wasn’t a big deal; they couldn’t afford the expense of a hospital visit. Stephen & I decided their health was worth valuing, and we assured them we would try to help with medical expenses as needed.

This was scary. Will they take advantage? Things are cheap here, but even Tylenol for a group of fifty could get costly. Will they come for help with every ailment?

We took the risk. And as you know from previous blogs, we’ve spent plenty of time at the hospital. Sometimes the bills add up, particularly in 5-step rabies treatments. Even so, the community has been loving. They honestly have only come with emergency-level needs, where one man was convulsing excessively, the baby was burned with skin hanging off his chest, the woman couldn’t walk or move her lower half after a bicycle accident, and the older woman’s leg was throbbing in pain from an infected dog bite.

And we’ve done our best to help.

But we can’t always. Another man in the community has an advanced stage of lymphoma. He needs chemo. Here, it’s not all that expensive; each treatment is around $100. Even so, that is a higher expense than we have readily available. We have been praying, and we don’t feel like God has told us to pay for this one. We sought help; but just last week, he decided to return to Burma to die in his own homeland.

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We did a health check at our neighborhood a few weeks back. It went wonderfully, and we loved bringing some basic help to the community in the midst of a variety of emergency-based situations.  Kids were treated for school sores, lice, and infections. They were all de-wormed, and having had worms myself recently, I’m grateful they can be de-wormed, too. It’s not a fun experience.

We also discovered two families where the children were malnourished. One family had three children, and the other two. The children weren’t growing wider or taller, and they looked much younger than their age.

We prayed about what to do. We discussed it with some friends. We tried to consider the variety of angles and the different consequences of our potential approaches.

We decided to provide one bag of food each week to both families for eight weeks. We explained this up front, using Karen with the community leader; we couldn’t help always, but this would be a small help and start. Each week we bring by a bag of vegetables, and we alternate oil and eggs.  We explained that the nurse said the children were too small for their age, and they needed to eat more vegetables, oil and eggs. We also mentioned that fish and meat were good options, but we wouldn’t be bringing those specifically.

They seemed grateful; they seemed to understand. I’m praying they see it as a blessing and not debasing.

And we’re on delivery four this weekend.

I try to choose vegetables they might not use as often, but are very nutrient-heavy. In this way, we hope it provides education as well, of the importance of vegetables and proteins, and which vegetables are vitamin-rich.  We give pumpkin, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, green beans, gourds, and leafy greens. We alternate the eggs and oil so that it works out to about 100 baht per family per week, or $3.  Over the two months, this is about $48.  It seemed like a wise investment, and as of yet it seems to be received well.

_____________

As things change in Burma and these changes creep into Mae Sot, I fear for them. I fear for the coming crackdowns. I fear our time with them might be short, and there is so much I want to say and learn.

Ultimately, though, there are countless unknowns. Of how long we’ll be here, or they’ll be here; of how long we’ll work for Partners, where other ministry opportunities might open up, or when our time here is spent.

And thus, more prayers. One of my increasingly common prayers over the past year or two has been this: that we wouldn’t be here | work for Partners | live in Mae Sot | be absent from our families a day longer than we should be, and not a day less. And perhaps that being confident in this would make all the questions, disappointments, and missed family events a little more justified.

I had intentions of writing a blog tonight. Well, I suppose had intentions most of this week, but after a few failed attempts and a couple late nights at the office writing curriculum: it never happened.

Life is flying by us, and we are holding on tight. And we just learned this week that we’ll be taking a vacation next month. We asked for one week, and Partners suggested two. Yes, please.

Two weeks!

That’s really where my time went tonight. I’m googling places we could visit and dreaming of rest, books, movies, sun…and more rest.

Today was a good day, and a very welcomed one at that.

I just found out that there is a part four to the Giver series! 

I’m very, very excited. Definitely more than I could express in a blog.

It’s coming out in October, and I’m going to pre-order TODAY.

life goes on, it gets so heavy
the wheel breaks the butterfly 
every tear a waterfall
in the night, the stormy night, she’ll close her eyes
in the night, the stormy night, away she’d fly

and dreams of para-para-paradise

…and so lying underneath those stormy skies
she’d say, “oh, i know the sun must set to rise” 

Paradise by Coldplay