We have been passing quite a few IOM (International Organization for Migration) resettlement trucks recently.  They leave the camps filled with families chosen for resettlement on their way to Mae Sot for a week or so of “preparation” and training before they will fly half way around the world into another life.

I have so many mixed feelings. Part of me is so excited for them: they’ve been chosen! They’ve been waiting, and it’s here. They are about to experience freedom in ways they’ve never known. They are walking through grand doors of opportunity.

All at the same time, I ache for them. I ache for the car sickness I can see in their faces having not ridden in cars much, but facing hours and hours of traveling ahead.

I ache for the stares they will face at the airport; the feeling of being so small in a world that is growing so quickly in front of them as they travel from place to place.  I ache for the doors of opportunity that are also doors of so many challenges.  I know just a small picture of what they will face, and I know they will be safer; they will be freer. But they will also be faced with so many choices, so many temptations, so many surprises, so much love and so much hate.

…the person across from you is having coagulated blood for lunch.

Yum.

Things we are learning about working with and NGO on the Thai-Burma border :

Things change.

And when you think they are done changing, they’ll change again.

What a good Monday!

First, we were up at 6am today to deliver our weekend guest (a fellow Partners staff member from Chiang Mai) and our volunteer all of last week (also headed back to Chiang Mai) to their ride.  I came back to the house pretty exhausted and overwhelmed at the mess of dishes, the bathroom needing cleaned, the floor needing swept, the trash needing to go out, and four loads of laundry waiting to be done. And plus the work at Partners ahead of us: we’re a little swamped currently with our job, the children’s project fill-in we’re doing, and our language learning.

Doesn’t sound like a great start to a Monday, right?

In sweeps Stephen. He decides I should go back to sleep a little this morning while he heads off to the office and staff meeting, then have time today to clean and get caught up while he “represents us” at the office.

Amazing.

One of the sweetest things he can do for me. I slept for an hour more, got nearly all the cleaning done (only half the laundry because it has to air dry, which just takes time), and generally wrapped my head around all that had to be done this week. It was so sweet of him to see me at the end of my rope and save me 🙂

So I had a wonderful morning and afternoon, then Stephen returned later today for us to work together on some Partners things. And then…

…We got an email from my brother-in-law, Chris, telling us they he & Jenn had booked tickets to come see us in October and November! We are so excited to officially have our first guests on the calendar with tickets purchased and an itinerary to visit for three whole weeks!

I’m nearly bursting with excitement and anticipation 🙂

And then we had a fun night out with the Conway team in town, enjoying dinner and ice cream. It ended a really wonderful day where I’m really thankful for Stephen.

Oh, and the best quote from Stephen today as he told me about his time at the office: “In staff meeting they asked me to pray in Karen. Are you kidding me? Tdah blut, Yeh suu. [“Thank you, Jesus”] That’s it.”

I’m realizing it oh-so-slowly.

It’s taking a variety of situations to sink in.

But I’m learning that we’ll be returning to a different place when we go back. A different place full of different people.

Life keeps happening without us there. Of course we know this, but seeing it happen is very, very different than I could ever describe.

Consider family: the family I knew as a child is very different from the family I’m a part of now. We’ve been changing and growing and moving around and letting life happen slowly over many years.  And sometimes, when I realize it won’t ever go back to just mom and dad and four girls piled into a blue minivan on a very long drive through the midwest, it’s a little sad. But the growth was good. The place we’re at now is good. And so you celebrate it as movement.

[Movement: that’s the best word I have for it right now.]

But not being there is different. The movement continues, but you’re not there to appreciate it; it’s simply missed. And you return to a new place, new people, new growth; a completely foreign place.

Sometimes in my conversations with people I can see the changes. Being in a completely different place with a completely different life changes me and thus changes our relationship. I can sit around talking with the closest friend or my dearest sister, but I can see: her life has continued, my life has continued. She has changed, I have changed. And now, we’re in a new place as new people that have missed a part of the others’ life.

Fast forward that about two years.

Every time I think about it, it overwhelms me. Like a sick feeling in your stomach. The only other thing I can think of that gave me this feeling was the thought of eternity when I was a kid. I actually used to do everything I could to not think about eternity; it freaked me out that there is no end.  It would make my controlling brains explode to think of time never having a beginning or completion.

In that arena, I’ve moved on. I’ve learned to trust that God is much bigger than me and it doesn’t matter if I don’t get it. I’m here for now, I’m hoping for something greater, and I’ll be there forever. And somehow that’s enough truth to rest on.

And I guess that’s what’s missing from the current equation of missing out on the life that continues in America and the new places and people being created. I don’t trust it. What if I don’t like the new changes? What if I don’t fit into them?  My controlling brain explodes at the idea that I simply can’t be [wholeheartedly] a part of both.

Yep. Same feeling in my stomach as when I was five.

And though I can’t yet grasp in my heart, I know the answer is the same: that God is much bigger than me and it doesn’t matter if I don’t get it. I’m here for now, I’m hoping for something greater, and I’ll be there forever.  And somehow, that will be enough truth to rest on.

I think people usually have a list of restaurants they want to visit and foods to eat when they return to the states.  Not so for me. I have a growing list of places I want to visit when we go back to America.  The first is to visit the Smoky Mountains, for hiking and to visit that salt and pepper museum that I’ve been wanting to go to every year we’ve been.

[Side story: The first year Stephen & I were in the Smokies for my sister’s wedding, we drove by the Salt & Pepper Museum and I said something about wanting to go.  The following year we were there with the Spurlock family, and when we passed the museum that time, someone said, “The Salt & Pepper Museum. What is that anyway? Who would go there?”  Stephen just laughed. I’ve now kept my mouth shut for a couple years, but when we go back to the Smokies next time, I’m determined to at least check it out!]

Second on my list is to visit a Science Museum. I don’t get science, but the hands-on [children’s] science museums always intrigue me. We have a Science & Environment Park that just opened in Mae Sot, but every time I get excited to go I remember it’s all in Thai. Not so educational.

And newly added this week: a waterpark. A few nights ago I had a dream that I went to a waterpark with my family, and it was so fun. We took the log ride a million times. And now I’m really looking forward to a trip to a water park. (Note to family: Wild River Country in Little Rock doesn’t count. We’re traveling for this one.)

Stephen’s sick today, and this is sad for a couple reasons.

First, I don’t like him miserable, and of course he doesn’t like it either. That’s the obvious.

What wasn’t so obvious: I’m completely dependent on him here!  We’ve been doing everything together, from work and schedules to language study and groceries. Everything.

I could literally count the days we’ve been apart: 1) he went to a waterfall with a group during Songkran and I was exhausted, so I rested  2) he went to practice recording with a Karen producer 3) he went to the pharmacy to get me ibuprofen after my motorbike wreck.

That’s it.

I’m pretty limited on going anywhere without him unless I run or bike, since I’m not yet motorbike-ready (so says my scarred arm) and I’m terrified of the big Partners trucks.

This week, we’ve been quite busy.  We have a volunteer in town all week with us–she’s been in the Chiang Mai Partners office for the past four months volunteering and wanted to see Mae Sot before she left, so we’re showing her around and having her help with various things this week.  We are also trying to stay on top of all the children’s project responsibilities we’ve adopted for May through July, so the week has been filled with hygiene pack deliveries, allowance deliveries, and hygiene pack purchases. We also have our dear friends from Conway still in town, so they joined us for brownies, ice cream, and some games last night. Amidst all of this, language has been put on hold temporarily, and our time at the office has increased.

Until today, when Stephen got sick with some bug that is likely from something he ate, according to Partners’ on-staff nurse. Not surprising, really: we live in Mae Sot, we w just finished up our worm pills last week and are still staring at a few more days of malaria meds!

And thus, with his sickness, our schedule stopped. There’s a truck in our driveway I’m terrified of, and if I dare drive it…I can get to the office, wheresits a motorbike I’m more terrified of!

I chose to bike to the office this morning and walk down the street to find some juice and Sprite for Stephen. And other than that, I’m pretty helpless until he’s well again. I’m hoping it’s soon as I stare at the list of things we have to do, including: buy toothpaste and toilet paper very soon, host our volunteer who is staying across town, and pay our internet bill that just arrived yesterday but was mysteriously due on 22 April.

I’m sure Stephen would appreciate prayers for him to get better soon, as would I. And maybe throw in some prayers for me to brave some practice with the truck and motorbike this weekend!