It’s been so dark lately.
I keep hoping it will subside, that the light will break through. That would be a better place to write from. But then more darkness comes.
I can’t really capture it all, the ins and outs of different fronts, different battles, different darknesses.
There was another stabbing in our community. This was both our fourth & fifth stab victim. They went to the hospital by a hired cart, so we actually have only been helping transport family to and from the hospital and now in re-bandaging wounds daily.
Have you ever seen a stab wound? They are traumatizing. Even when I heard about it that afternoon, I could see all the others so clearly in my mind, all over again.
This time a number of the kids saw it, as it was around 3pm. One of the kids said she cried when she saw it. Is that okay? she asked.
Sometime on Tuesday I began to ask myself, Where do we live? Really, WHERE DO WE LIVE? How did I get here?
First you’re playing football in the street. You feel sorry for the poor children that surround you. You are trying to learn language and make a difference in their futures. You are hopeful.
And then you are sitting next to your nurse friend, who is helping you bandage these wounds. I hear myself tell her, I usually do it this way, as I wrap up the gauze I’m holding, it worked well with the other stabbings, so that the bandages didn’t stick. Is this okay to do? And she tells you, I don’t know. You know more about stabbings than I do.
And while you’re changing this bandage, you are sitting next to a three year old, a two year old, and a six-month-old, who have now all seen their uncle and their dad’s stab wounds. And they just lost their 11-year-old caregiver and friend last week when she moved to Bangkok. And they start to cry when you leave and tell them bye; and you’re trying to convince them it’s okay, you’ll be back. I know; she didn’t come back, but I will. It’s going to be okay.
But you’re kind of wondering if it is.
Is it going to be okay for this three-year-old that has reverted back even further in development since he lost his primary caregiver? What is he going to grow up to be? How do we prevent him from becoming a victim, too, or a knife-wielding attacker, for that matter?
Is it going to be okay for the abuse victim I went to see this week? I learned her husband isn’t talking to her; he won’t hold the baby because it isn’t the gender he wanted; and he’s not giving her enough food. She’s hungry. Now we’re sneaking money to her so she can buy her own food; we’re trying to create a job for her. I tell her to come tell us if she needs anything, if he tries to hurt her; it’s going to be okay. But I find myself wondering if it will be.
Or the eight people that came to tell us this week that they don’t have work. Is it going to be okay for them?
Or us–is it going to be okay for us?
The days when you aren’t sure how you got here, or when stab wounds became normal. The days when your dearest friends are desperate for food. The days when your dearest friends take advantage of you. The days when the nightmares come back and you think that what you’ve seen may haunt you forever. The days when you see the weight in your own eyes staring back in the mirror.
Is it going to be okay for us?
I keep reading these encouraging verses–about God’s goodness, about his burden that is light, his yoke that is easy; about him answering prayers and giving good gifts. Perhaps if I meditate on them again, perhaps I will see something differently. Perhaps it just won’t hurt this badly. Perhaps the light will break through.
i wish i had words. but i don’t. it’s good to know someone understands this life we choose, we are called to. matt and i are praying for you, believing God for the miraculous. we look up to you guys so much.
Thank you for your work and this insight into what you do. And what HE is doing through you! Thank you for being The Light in a very dark place.
So much heartbreak…. With no easy fix Thank you for filling spaces of darkness with hope and light Love you
These are Romans 8 moments. “For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience” (Romans 8:18-25).
Your experience of darkness is you groaning for what is to come. You know these things you are seeing with children and with adults are not the way it is supposed to be. It is not the way it will be when creation itself will be set free from its bondage. But continue to read the verses that follow in Romans 8. God is working. He does not slumber. The danger of ministry is beginning to think that we are out working the Father. “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things” (Romans 8:31)? “All things” does not equal comfort and safety or sensible even, but they do mean salvation for all those who believe. There is no bandage that can heal a lost heart. Only the gospel can give hurting, suffering people hope in a glorious future with a triune God.
STAND! Ephesians 6 tells us that we have an enemy that wants to kill and destroy and we are to STAND. “Finally, be strong IN THE LORD (not yourself) and in the strength of HIS might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to STAND against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to WITHSTAND in the evil day, and having done all, to STAND firm. STAND therefore, having…”(Ephesians 6:10-14).
You are not alone is your work. Your ministry partners are STANDING with you holding the rope of pray for you like a great cloud of witnesses. Your heavenly Father is for you, therefore, who can be against you (Romans 8:31). STAND! But stand not in your own strength or understanding simply because you are tired, weary, fearful, and emotionally exhausted. These will be as we imitate Jesus Christ in this world. Even he pleaded for the cup, he knew was coming, to be taken from him. Yet he endured the cross as a human.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him ENDURED the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted” (Hebrews 12:1-3).
We STAND with you!