lolly pop.

Today was a hard day. Some days are harder than others. Other days I can separate myself from the pain. I can find distractions (work, movies, music, “ministry,” birthdays).

I do this in Thailand and when we lived in the States. Often I am faced with the pain and suffering, and I just move on; I focus on something else.

Today I couldn’t do that.

Yesterday we were able to give out some old clothes. Clothes that other people have discarded and given to us to give to the “less fortunate.” We had huge piles of velour shirts, outdated styles, jeans with holes in them, and really, clothes we think we are too good to wear. We set up these piles of clothes in the street, and as soon as people noticed what was happening they came running. That was a hard moment to see people in their state of survival running after old clothes.

A then we saw one of the women modeling around and dancing in her new, our old shirt. Then the kids went to change into their “new” clothes, and we got to see them play and celebrating this gift.

The part I couldn’t ignore was this morning. A mother we have come to know was out gardening our weeds, and she looked up at us smiling, and without words communicated to us that she didn’t get a new shirt. I then remembered that I didn’t see her yesterday when we were giving out clothes. And although she was smiling, I could notice the sadness in her eyes.  I got frustrated at the situation; why are things so unfair for her?

I love to see Kelli’s face when I get to take her to Target and let her buy a new shirt or sweater, and this woman has never been able to shop like this. Why?

And for some reason yesterday she wasn’t there to even be able to get a shirt we were basically throwing away. It was hard to see her face and tell her we are out.

I couldn’t move on without that influencing my day.

Following that, I noticed three kids chewing on suckers–blow-pops from America. My first thought was, “How did they get that?” Then it occurred to me that it was our trash.

For my birthday, my sister sent me liquid soap and blow-pops in a huge package of gifts from the States–a lot of fun. But a little of the soap leaked onto the blow pops, and not wanting to have a sucker taste like soap (and really questioning the dangers of ingesting soap), we threw the soapy ones away.

(On a side note, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of these children, families and people here that dig through the trash. It was hard at first to get used to, but now I see that it is a way of life for many people, especially in this area. It is very humbling to watch, but our trash on many occasions is someone else’s treasure.)

To look up and see a happy child, because today they found something…a treasure, still in the wrapper.

I couldn’t move on without that influencing my day.

As we drove to the refugee camp today, I kept noticing faces for some reason. There were many people walking and for some reason today their faces caught my attention, and I couldn’t help but feel that everyone is hurting. Everyone around us here in Mae Sot is struggling and fighting to survive.

I couldn’t move on without that influencing my day.

Then we got to the refugee camp, where there are over 50,000 people trapped in this very small space. These students have been praying that we could get in with the team to teach hygiene. I was overwhelmed that they were praying so that for a couple hours they could have a visitor and not feel like they are trapped. They could feel like the outside world is not so disconnected.

I couldn’t move on without that influencing my day.

Today is different. For some reason today is different, and although the pain and suffering is always there–in Arkansas, Tennessee, Oklahoma and Mae Sot; today I didn’t distract myself, and I couldn’t move on without that influencing me.

I became frustrated and fed up with this world and all the pain and suffering in it.

I have always heard people wanting Jesus to come back soon, and honestly I have had a problem with this. In my self-centered heart ,I always felt that I was’t ready for that moment because of my lack of experiences in this world.  Today, looking around for the first time in my life I wanted Jesus to come back and end all the suffering. I want there to be no more tears. I want these women to not have to worry about having enough clothes, food, water, or shelter. I want these kids to not have to dig through the trash to find treasures. I want all the faces I saw today–hiding from the government, working for practically no pay, parents on the run to protect their family–to experience peace. I want those students trapped in the refugee camp to experience freedom.

Today I couldn’t move on without it influencing me.